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Porter Goss CIA Loyalty Fun Quiz

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Please use a Number Two pencil. When finished, exchange your paper with the person behind you for grading. The penalty for guessing is arbitrary and severe. Please shred the quiz on your way out. Your final grade will be tallied by an optical scanner provided by Broward County Department of Elections.
  1. Which is the greatest hotbed of liberalism?
    1. CNN
    2. Berkeley, CA
    3. The 92nd St. Y, New York City
    4. The Central Intelligence Agency
    The correct answer is All of the Above. Nice going, you've already missed one.


  2. What is your favorite state that starts with N?
    1. New Jersey
    2. New York
    3. North Dakota
    4. New Mexico
    Nebraska. Nobody ever thinks of that one.


  3. Who is your favorite former CIA director?
    1. Vladimir Putin
    2. George H. W. Bush
    3. George Tenet
    4. William Casey
    Bill Casey. You should find inspiration from a DCI who died before he could be indicted.


  4. What is the most important function of the CIA?
    1. Accept responsibility for the President's actions.
    2. Serve as vengeful arm of His Excellency
    3. Collect intelligence to protect the homeland
    4. Train chefs to prepare delicious food.
    The Culinary Institute of America (CIA) is a world-reknowned training center for French cuisine


  5. Osama Bin Laden is:
    1. Irrelevant, except when he isn't
    2. In France.
    3. A Clinton.
    4. Connected to Saddam Hussein via Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and Valerie Plame
    Any of the above are correct.


  6. Porter Goss, your new boss, is:
    1. A patriot.
    2. A committed partisan who believes that the security of the nation is virtually as important as protecting the homeland.
    3. A former CIA operative, so don't question his qualifications.
    4. Planning on being there for a very long time.
    C. And he doesn't like how you've been looking at him.


  7. Your favorite Third World dictator is:
    1. Pinochet
    2. Batista
    3. Musharraf
    4. Hugo Chavez
    Although Langley is fond of A and B, neither currently hold power. The answer is C, and we'd like you to know that Pervez loves freedom.


  8. The CIA is to Defense Department as:
    1. Ginger Rogers to Fred Astaire
    2. Carl Reiner to Mel Brooks.
    3. Gilligan to the Skipper.
    4. Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan
    Partial credit awarded for A, but the CIA should not be confused with a woman. The best answer is C. THe CIA is the DD's bitch.


  9. Your region of birth is:
    1. The Sun Belt.
    2. The Rust Belt.
    3. The Bible Belt.
    4. The no-pants wearing Liberal Northeast.
    Any belt answers are correct.


  10. Is America safer?
    1. Maybe
    2. Sometimes yes, sometimes no
    3. De temps en temp
    4. No
    None of these answers are correct. We put this one here to make you nervous.


  11. The following nation is the most dangerous to America:
    1. Iran
    2. Cuba
    3. North Korea
    4. Canada
    The answer is Canada. Cuba is crucial for securing GOP votes in Florida. If you say Iran or North Korea again I'm going to slap you.


  12. One of our nation's allies in the GWOT has a nuclear scientist who has sold secrets to rogue nations with nuclear ambitions (such as Canada). The nuclear scientist is very popular in his country. You should:
    1. Commend his country for fining him for drunk driving.
    2. Allow UN to debate it into obscurity.
    3. Covertly bomb Iraq and leak information about the Michael Jackson trial to the media.
    4. Somehow blame Wen Ho Lee.
    The best answer is "Blame the State Department"


  13. The most important weapon any agent has is:
    1. Love of God
    2. Love of Country
    3. Love of Scotch
    4. The far worse bungling of British Intelligence.
    All of the above.

    Your score: If you have taken this test, you are obviously a Democrat, relying on some arbitrary meritocratic method for keeping your job. All qualified applicants who have donated at the Ranger level to the President have been given your desk, your salary, and your home. Please return your keycard, pager, and any secret documents you were planning to leak to the New York Times. We really want those back.


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