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weekly humor and satire - g. xavier robillard
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Marketing for the New World Order

"A new poll by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press suggests a significant negative shift in perceptions of the United States among people in 44 nations".

Our nation's ratings have slipped after another sweeps, for a third year in a row. Given the profusion of new entertainment available across the globe, sponsors are threatening to pull out, and we have lost considerable market share. This network needs some life pumped into it. Stated simply, we do not want to become the Fox Network of nations. It may be possible to coast through the Super Bowl. A consortium of leading marketing experts raise several questions and suggestions to increase ratings and shore up support.

There are issues around the globe with the leading man. 85% of those households responding suggested that Martin Sheen would be a much more likable substitute. The other 15% thought that Mr. Sheen was the President.

The leading man, known as the President to some, upon hearing a summation of the report, claimed that he would not be swayed by public opinion. When asked what may influence his decision if not the apparent will of the five billion people who inhabit the rest of the globe, he answered: "Cash. And my own rocket." A more amenable figure, such as David Hasselhoff, may better represent the ideas of the network.

The cast has gotten overweight. This is a problem for some viewers, who apparently suffer from poverty and malnutrition. In this case, we are navigating the Scylla and Charybdis, for the poverty-stricken demographic would be alienated if the cast were anorexic as well. We should not focus too much time on this population segment, because they never buy anything anyway.

Critics complain that there is insufficient diversity among cast members. To appeal to a broader global demographic, it is suggested to add some ethnicity to the cast. This is also shaky territory: marketing experts conclude that the addition of the Australian star "Jacko" to the cast may have sewn the seeds for the current ratings tailspin.

More honesty in advertising will help as well. Clearly, the 1970s Coca-Cola ads expressed a delightful sentiment, but they rang false. The world does not feel that it was bought a Coke, but rather, that it was sold one too many.

The new advertising for the network is problematic, and some focus groups claim to be fearful because of the new marketing. The "Big Brother is Watching You" campaign, broadcast across the globe on planes and warships, comes across as "too Orwellian". A new suggested theme: "You and the US, so happy together."

Suggestions to improve branding and counteract negative imagery, in the vein of the "I Love NY"/ "New York State of Mind" combination is surprisingly unappealing to most international focus groups. As it turns out, Billy Joel is unavailable. Country sensation Steve Earle has volunteered to pen a new National Anthem, but has been dismissed for being "too much in the wrong direction".

In one specific market, devotion to our network's branding has only increased: Great Britain. Who are these people, what makes them tick, and why do they like us so much? Make the rest of the world more like England.

Much of the ratings debacle appears from the 18-24 year-old Muslim demographic. Apparently they are as irascible as they are numerous. Who knew? We will be hard pressed to find a solution for this, because we simply don't know much about this cohort. Why aren't they more like the British? Do they even watch television?

It's no mistake that the War on Terrorism program is unpopular among the survey participants. A link between this program and a negative reaction of the Muslim demographic should be investigated. It has yet to be determined whether the nomenclature offensive is the "War", or the "Terrorism" in the title. The campaign is slightly less popular than the War on Drugs, and significantly less appreciated than the War on Poverty and the War against War. On an optimistic note, the War on Terror enjoys more popularity than the Crusades.

As for the constant complaints of overabundant sex and violence emanating from this network, perhaps some Andy Griffith Show reruns could remind the world of its drab alternatives.

There has been a suggestion that the network halt exports of vapid culture, which both promote an amoral attitude offensive to the world's religions, and advocate a lifestyle that 95% of the world cannot attain and that the globe's natural resources can never sustain. A simple answer: more sex and violence.

On an up note, interest in our product line, our values, and our global American Way of LifeTM branding is at an all time high. Much of the world's dislike seems to emanate from a cultural bias against success. In conclusion, nobody likes a winner.

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