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weekly humor and satire - g. xavier robillard
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The Post Office Special Forces

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You might see us tearing down the street in the USPS minivan without the license plate. Sometimes, we don't signal before turning left. Because we have more important things to do. The people of Afghanistan hungrily await their neighborhood business coupons. And we'll deliver them, guaranteed.

Join your countrymen and women in service, delivering parcels all over the world. Our troopers get airlifted to Bosnia, Somalia: people in war-torn nations deserve mail delivery as much as Americans, and no punk warlords are going to stop us. Even Mogadishu has a zip code.

Get ready for the newest member of the fight against terrorism: the USPX, the Special Forces Branch of the Postal Service.

We provide training that will last you a lifetime, not to mention a great pension plan, casualty pay, and Sundays off. You will learn to throw AOL disks with deadly accuracy. Use those 1054 free hours to protect freedom, and fight terrorism.

But don't take it from us hear from our boots on the ground.

"We got in a serious price war with FedEx. They've got a cool logo. And they have that guaranteed Saturday delivery. But we had the Pony Express. We called in an airstrike, and took out their corporate headquarters. Then we jacked up the price of postcard stamps. Because we can."

"I cut my teeth during the Cabbage Patch frenzy. It was ugly. All those little dolls, and everybody wanted one. I stood guarding a truck, and had to keep back a phalanx of crazed moms. Is it my fault those dolls were cute? No. But I feel like in my own way, I made that holiday a little more special."

"In a joint operation with the Colombian military, we hunted down the famous drugdealer Pablo Escobar. The Colombians did the heavy lifting, but we had a piece of certified mail that we were committed to deliver. Standing over his bullet-riddled body, I dropped the parcel and said "You've got mail, motherfucker."

We don't wear socks that match our uniforms. Dogs don't chase us. We chase them. We dress how we want, we wear goatees, piercings, tattoos. We punch out early, we smoke in the office, and we listen to Ted Nugent all day long. And we don't work behind that bulletproof counter, quivering, wondering if some grandmother is going to complain about the stamp increase.

If you're on our route, you better pray you don't have any oversize packages. What are you doing ordering parcels that can't fit in your mailbox? The USPX will make them fit. And if that package is late, it's because we're defending freedom.

Do you have what it takes? Are you a team player? Do you love this nation? Have you ever sent a letter of any kind?

Sign up today, at your local post office. Become a team member in the advance force for freedom.

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor RPGs fired at close range will keep us from fulfilling our duty. The USPX the Postal Service goes postal.

 

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