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Strategy For Victory, 2008

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After much hand wringing, the Democratic Party has developed an effective strategy to win in 2008. It has been leaked to me.


Increased voter registration - make certain that every Baldwin brother registers to vote.

Move headquarters of Democratic Party to Hooters.

Fire current DNC staff - use saved monies to develop a better Barbeque sauce.

Support Alan Keyes' bid for the presidency.

Support Big business loophole for healthcare - corporations are no longer required to provide insurance for workers who do not believe in evolution.

Prove that Republicans plan to use Department of Homeland Security to deport all landscape workers and cleaning ladies.

Introduce populist ballot measures:

Use direct mail campaign to convince Evangelicals that Jesus loved lattes.

Split the conservative base by suggesting that stem cell research may find a cure for homosexuality.

Election day voter intimidation:

If all else fails, unleash hidden alliance with United Nations and stage coup d'état.

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