Voice Mail Hell
Thank you for calling customer service. Please listen carefully, for our options have changed since the last time you hung up in frustration.
Hell is now available on the web, at eternalhellfire.com. Many of your customer needs, such as calculating the days left before eternal salvation, attendance for your class reunion, and applications to haunt the living can all be accessed online. Log-in today! If you are unable to access the Internet, please log-in and fill out our customer response form.
Did you know that Hell is hiring? We're looking for data entry clerks, soul extractors, set designers, meter maids, haunts, wraiths, fiends, energy traders, pundits, attorneys, and lobbyists. Benefits include comprehensive hell care, competitive salary, and a timeshare in Hell's Half Acre, Montana. Call the job "Hotline" to apply today!
For promotional materials, or general interest questions about the eternally damned, please call our marketing department. They can be reached by calling the complaint line at Disney World, and asking to speak with The Scourge of Hell.
For inquiries about Atonement, press one. Staff are available to hear your every prayer for forgiveness from one to one thirty, Sunday mornings, every other millennium.
Questions about Transfers? Press two. If you would like to speak to an operator, please hold. Approximate wait times are between two and three thousand years. During that time your corporal being will be plagued by a variety of demons, who will enter your brain from the phone and into your Eustachian tubes and pluck out your ear hairs with burning tweezers.
For all other options, please press six.
If you are using a rotary phone, we know you're lying. We are the ones that invented that whole cell phone thing in the first place. We know you're calling from the bathroom right now. That makes us very, very angry.
The Transfers Department thanks you for holding. Please enter your hold music preferences. For ear-bleeding violin sonatas from a quartet of fourth graders, please press one. For the embarrassing sounds you have made during orgasm, please press two. A special treat today includes a chorus of wailing innocents, led by the popular band leader banshee, Shrill Stevens. Press three. For Enya, press four.
Thank you for calling the Transfers Department. Hell has gone under serious renovations within the last several millennium. It probably doesn't look anything like the Hell you first saw when you arrived. Did you know there are over six hundred and sixty different levels? In addition to grueling torture, we offer new departments of back breaking labor, plus specialty departments, such as gorging feasts, and the seventh-grade girls' bathroom. The sauna now has an espresso bar! Please try them all - you'll be damned glad you did.
The Transfer Department has new openings in Purgatory, and for you history lovers, you may find a comfy spot across the river Styx in Hades. What's it like, you ask? We don't know - it's all Greek to us.
The Transfers department is conducting a survey. We'd like to serve you better, and understand why you might wish to leave your comfortable den of suffering in the roiling center of the Earth.
Please choose from one of the following options that best describes the reason you are requesting a transfer.
Is it because of the new neighbors? Press one.
Eternal torture is too easy/not painful enough/too much fun? Press two.
Would like to travel, observe and mock the customs of other eternal lifestyles? Press three.
Thank you for your participation. Your vote will be made part of your permanent record.
From the following list, indicate your first choice of destination.
For Purgatory, press one.
For Limbo, press two.
For the Elysian Fields, press three.
For appeals, press four.
Welcome to appeals. If you believe your case deserves an appeal, join the club. Over two billion souls wait His Lord powerful Lucifer rarely grants appeals, except in the rare case of clerical errors (and we are scrupulous about paperwork), or occasional well-connected politicians.
"Hello, this is the Transfer Department. Azazel speaking. What's you're antisocial insecurity number?"
To continue this call, please deposit one thousand gold sovereigns. If you do not have one thousand gold sovereigns, you may exchange them for five thousand years of damnation. Thank you for calling. Goodbye.
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