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Financial Calculator Cheatsheet

The Treasury Department has provided this cheatsheet to help you reduce your sentence. Return to the Financial Calculator
State your college degree
B.Physical Education
C.My degree is a total fabrication

If you studied Finance, you must be smart, and should be punished. Choice "C" indicates a self-made man.

Number of companies brought down in the wake of your scandal

If you brought down more than ten other companies, your sentence will be increased. Unless their convictions are later overturned by the Supreme Court.

Number of Pensions ruined by your actions
D.Mine. No one else's matters.

This is America. No one goes to jail for destroying retirement accounts

Title of Your Post-prison Reality Show
A.The Grifters
B.The Fugitive
C.Cooking With Shivs
D.This Old House Arrest

Anyone willing to increase their own humiliation and contribute to the vast entertainment economy after prison life deserves a decreased sentence.

Amount contributed to Republican Party last year

If you donated more than $1M, you've been pardoned!

State your familiarity with your company's finances
A.Was forced to cheat my way through finance classes
B.Too busy to understand finance
C.I have never met our CFO
D.I have done nothing wrong

Finance is hard. Numbers are confusing. We'll go easy on you here.

Amount of company funds spent to upgrade Upper East Side bathroom fixtures

If you aren't willing to spend at least $6000 to upgrade your spigots, your bathroom is probably tacky, and you'll be happier in a place with a metal toilet.

Coefficient of Spitzer: Months until Attorney General Elliot Spitzer runs for governor
A.12 months - doubles sentence
B.9-6 months - increases by 1.5
C.3-6 months - no change
D.< 3 months - triples sentence

Confused? A year before the election, he'll be out for blood. In the 9-6 month period, he will be busy, but not too busy. At 3-6 months, he'll have no time to prosecute new cases. As the campaign winds down to the last three months, he'll be searching for press.

Which is worse?
A.Alan Greenspan overhears you telling an off-color joke about him at Davos
B.Your company manipulated energy prices in several western states, causing an artificial power shortage, rolling blackouts, and bankrupting state coffurs.

While choice B) could be considered an inconvenience, remember that Alan Greenspan is responsible for breathing life into our troubled economy. Do not vex him.

Your scapegoat:
A.The Media
B.Greedy ex-wife
C.Backstabbing children
D.The stupid people of California who got what they deserve

We don't like the media either, and we'll reduce your sentence to prove it.


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