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Field Guide To Toddler Calls

Posted August 13, 2007

1 comment posted. Read it now.

Specialists in both toddler biology and behavior science, a branch of study referred to as "toddlerology", have made a major breakthrough in deciphering toddler communications. Published in the journal Science, a brief lexicon is hoped to forge a bridge in language between humans and their tiny, pseudo-human counterparts.

Parents who do not heed to the study results might well abandon their child-rearing project, since any variance from this recent discovery will yield in a long-term communication failure.

This is an early measure of resistance. If you ignore this command, be certain that you’re raising a serial killer. Although this phrase is a hallmark of early independence, the specimen can be placated with the application of Matchbox cars.

Do that/Gimmie That/I Have That
This is the Toddlerian request for action or items. Parents must use caution in their response. If the item the subject requests is a lit firecracker, you should not relent.

I do it
Here the creature asserts its independence. This can be a handy moment to teach simple household chores, such as feeding the dog or doing your taxes. Try first an assertion in the negative, such as "Only big girls know how to fill out a Schedule C form." In the "I do it" mode the child will beg for the privilege.

I have an owie
This is a cry for help. The owie is a talisman, with which the young hopes to reign in kisses, hugs, and sometimes money.

It is impossible to know the severity of the boo-boo, or if it exists at all. Love and Band-Aids are often not enough. A quick trip to the emergency room should clarify the nature of the problem. You might consider installing a home MRI for any foreseeable diagnoses.

_________ hit me.
It's important to ascertain the nature of the perpetrator. Are they a hitter? A relative? Is there a plausible alibi?

Very often this claim belies the truth of the situation. A maelstrom of paradox, what is meant by "they hit me" is often the reverse narrative: I hit them. By appropriating blame from The Other, the subject hopes to practice both detachment from the crime, which troubles their ant-sized conscience, and further and more practically the child is attempting a defensive maneuver known as spanking-avoidance.



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