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Filed Under Politics

Baristas Claim Obama's Coffee Not Black Enough

Posted January 14, 2008

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The International Baristas Union shocked the Democratic political establishment with a condemnation of Presidential hopeful Barack Obama, claiming that the coffee that he drinks "is not black enough." The powerful union has not yet chosen to endorse any candidates, but warns that if the right candidate is not chosen in the Democratic primaries, it will consider a strike, a move that would deprive a nation that runs on those delicious caffeineated beverages.

"Sure, I take my coffee light and sweet," answered Senator Obama, in a press conference set up to deflect the allegations. "But I don't believe in two Americas, decaf and regular. I believe we can move beyond that, and you should drink coffee however you like, whether it's a dark espresso, or some watered down Sanka at a truck stop.

"My father's family comes from Africa," continued the Senator, "but I learned to drink coffee in Kansas. It's time to move past the latte politics," he announced to a crowd of screaming supporters. "And move to a coffee of hope."

John Edwards and Hillary Clinton both capitalized on Obama's perceived drink weakness. "My daddy worked in a mill. A coffee mill," said Edwards. "Although my drink of choice is Diet Coke, I believe I know more about coffee than most people."

"Everybody knows that my husband speaks for black coffee drinkers," said Senator Clinton. "And I can tell you that from the moment I step into the White House, my coffee will be strong, hot, and ready."

"I've never claimed to speak for black coffee drinkers," Obama said in a prepared statement in Nevada. "That I have to identify myself as a black coffee drinker or a light coffee drinker proves that our nation needs to heal from its long standing coffee identity politics."

Dennis Kucinich, who favors the chai latte, complains that his drink preference has kept him out of the Democratic debates.

The Republican presidential candidates are gleeful that they have an opportunity to create a divisive issue with Senator Obama, whom they fear to have a very real chance to win the general election. "If we closed our borders to immigration we wouldn't have any trouble with coffee. It wouldn't be an issue," said Mitt Romney's campaign. "I've always been against coffee, as a Mormon," he continued. "Not that I think my religion has anything to do with this campaign."



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