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Alternative Names for the Public Option

Posted September 14, 2009

4 comments posted. Read them now.

Congress and the Administration are having difficult times selling the public option, and it's easy to see why: both parts of the name spell doom. Nobody in America enjoys anything public: public libraries, public parks, public parking all tend to smell of urine and have some hidden costs (especially if you forget to return books).

And options? Who likes options? We don't want options, we want it all, whether it's health care or the giant sized Leviathan Surf and Turf at the local fishmonger. Legislators, take note: It's not Surf OR Turf. Options just leave our bellies hungry and our pocketbooks empty.

For your consideration, a few names that should be considered. Universal Health Care has been axed, as it suggests that our cruelly overburdened tax payers will have to pay for health care on planets as far off as Caprica, Discworld, Rigel 7 and Arrakis and I'm not paying for the ear-reduction surgery for a bunch of lazy Romulans.

Single Payer Health Care
This name is good for the most part, as long as the single payer isn't me. Some citizens might be confused. Having grown up immersing themselves in video game entertainments they tend to confuse "Single Payer" with "Single Player," which suggests that only one person can get treatment at any time. And that it costs a quarter.

Hey it worked for radio. You know that soulless collective of radio stations around the country with simple first name? Mike, Charlie, Pete? Wouldn't you feel relieved that your health care came from Charlie, that stoned California kid who finally cleaned up, and now offers health solutions AND ninety-seven minutes of music from the sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties and today, instead of some faceless bureaucrat?
Note: if a name is taken it shouldn't be a two-part name such as Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac or Fatty Debt.

Combining Medicaid with the famous soft drink that kids love is a home run! Note: the ambassador to public medical health insurance would have to be redrawn with a more fit physique to address issues of obesity and diabetes.

You Really Wish Everyone Was Covered When Bubonic Plague Came Back
Effective, but perhaps too smarmy. Critics might suggest the government will encourage the Bubonic Plague to return.

Sweet Billy Bob's Thigh Slapping Hot Sauce N Healthcare
This is in fact a very clever, nay diabolical semantic trick. Masquerading the health care for all Americans as a new type of Hot Sauce will get a few laughs, plus more than a few votes from conservative redoubts in the South.

Furthermore, Hot Sauce 'N' Healt hcare will appeal to a generally skeptical middle aged white male demographic, the majority of whom have attempted to bottle their own brand of liquid heat.

Finally a good hot sauce is a subtle, nay subliminal reminder of pain, and will connect with most voters on a visceral level, reminding them of that time they had to go to the emergency room because they wiped their ass with a scotch bonnet pepper instead of TP.



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