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Scandal Score - America's Top Game Show

Posted May 18, 2010

Welcome to Scandal Score, America's favorite game show where we match up prominent scandal makers and watch them compete for fabulous cash prizes, and answer the question: how can you Handle Scandletm?

This week we're pleased to welcome two prominent politicians from both sides of the aisle who've stepped into each other's news cycles.

First, let's welcome Republican Mark Souder, an Indiana congressman who's resigned his seat after admitting to an affair with a woman with whom he's made an abstinence video. Remember folks, it's not just irony: it's hysterical.

And coming from the left is Democrat Richard Blumenthal, the Connecticut Attorney General who's running for Senate and was caught lying about his service in Vietnam. Which he, um, didn't do.

First Question: How sorry are you?

I'm sorry that the New York Times has mis-characterized my military service. When I said "I served in Vietnam," I didn't mean I personally, I meant the plural form of I. Which is "you." I'm sorry some people don't get my funky fresh grammar.

I am sorry from the depths of my soul. I'm sorry to my friends, to my family, to my constituents, my state, my God and most of all I'm sorry to the Republican party.

Thank you both. We'll give that to Mr. Souder.
Round Two : Please tell us how you will repair your relationship with your constituency.

I will blunt this vicious attack from the liberal media with my chiseled good looks.

As a devout Evangelical Christian, I will follow the example of our Lord Jesus Christ, who, when confronted with adversity, retreated into a quiet family life and then resurfaced years later to become a talk show host.

And Blumenthal wins Round Two. Round Three: How would you handle the other's scandal?

Mr. Souder should go to a place where nobody cares about Mistresses: the Democratic Party.

I'd advise Mr. Blumenthal to convene a prayer group. But he's a Jew, and I'm not too sure if they pray and I seriously doubt God will listen. So I think he should go into a twelve-step treatment plan for his addiction to lying, which is right next door to the rehab center for people who accidentally make ironic videos.

Round Three goes to Souder! Representative Souder wins 2-1. His prize is an enormous Bible covered by an American flag which he can hide safely behind for many years. Thank you both for playing. Join us again next week on Scandal Score, when we'll see if Massey Energy, who haven't found a mine they can't accidentally blow up, can fix BP's oil spill.



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