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Filed Under Business

Walmart Benefit Reductions: A Memo

Posted October 31, 2005

To reduce the growing burden of health care spending, Walmart has proposed to employ healthier, younger workers. Any overt health screening will invite investigations and perhaps litigation, so we will invite new employees to the All Ages Walmart Triathlon. Participation is voluntary, but the event will be coupled with the mandatory three month review, allowing us to terminate absentees in good faith.

Additional measures to reduce costs are defined as follows:

It is necessary to redefine the work week. The work week will be divided into two three day periods, with Sunday acting as a week as well. Employees who do not work forty hours during any of these work weeks will be considered part time, and denied benefits.

The position of in-store greeter, vital to our friendly, folksy atmosphere, must be retooled. In the past this position has tended to attract the infirm and the elderly, both of whom are a drain on our health care program. From this point forward, in-store greeters must also serve as bouncers, and rotate in with our executive security force. Greeters will be trained fully as paramedics, so that they might be able to respond (off the clock) to any in-store medical emergencies that might arise from our employees' lack of healthcare.

The company will provide discounts to employees who judiciously use the four L's:

  1. Lobotomies
  2. Leeches
  3. Lozenges
  4. Lemon tea

The amount of time spent typing employee names is the pinnacle of waste. It would behoove the company and our shareholders if we insist on hiring only those qualified workers whose names are five letters or less. This will also discourage the hiring of those people with hyphenated names, who tend to be much more liberal, and will seek to agitate (go on strike, expect lunch hours, etc). To rename current employees, we will consult computer technology (at an additional cost savings) to randomly generate three-, four-, and five- letter names.

Finally, Walmart must consider entirely outsourcing our operations to nations with cheap labor. It is our hope that Americans who have become dependent on our everyday low prices will drive as far as Mexico or Thailand for bargains. Perhaps at some point the local citizenry of these nations will become equally enamored with our product line, but we imagine their unstable and devalued currencies will prevent them from become major buyers.



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