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Filed Under Politics

Panamanian Government Fears Presidential Visit

Posted November 7, 2005

Colón, Panama
The Panamanian government has braced itself for the upcoming visit from American president George Bush. Rumors that the U.S. desires another Panama invasion have swirled around the capital.

"The American President suffers from low approval ratings," the president of Panama suggested on background. "We fear that he might want to spread democracy," he continued, as if he were referring to the spread of leprosy. "It would be nice to have the rebuilding money, but I'd probably have to share a jail cell with Noriega."

"Looking at Iraq, it is obvious that the president may be tempted to attack Panama," said one government official. "Back during Operation Just Cause, we were a tiny, undemocratic country, with limited ability to defend ourselves. Not much has changed, and it's possible that the son of Bush will want to finish the job started by his father. The American president keeps talking about "Weapons of Maize Destruction". Panama cannot survive without its maize.

"There is a long history of American presidents invading Panama, especially when ratings are down," said Si Bolivar, a State Department expert on Latin American affairs. "With all of the hurricane devastation in the Gulf States, America could use another Caribbean resort territory. That is, until we get back Cuba."

White House spokesman Scott "Schultz" McClellan said he'd heard nothing of invasion planning. "I know nothing. Nothing. They tell me nothing," he waved his arms emphatically at the podium.

The US has received much of its prewar intelligence from the Van Halen song Panama - 'Model citizen, zero discipline' - as well as from jailed dictator Manny Noriega, who has lived in a Florida prison since the last invasion, and handpicks most of his strategy from the hit variety show Sábado Gigante. "The Army will be greeted with pina coladas," claims Noriega. The New York Times immediately corroborated his story.

After denying any potential attack plan, US Defense Undersecretary for Tiny Country Invasion Jack Stalk was sanguine about lack of troop strength. "All I know is, last time we invaded, there was looting. Rioting. We can make that happen again."

To prepare for the unconfirmed invasion, Panamanian nationals are petitioning for asylum within the Vatican embassy, as deposed dictator Noriega did during the first invasion. Others have illegally immigrated to the US in hopes that they will become legitimate citizens once their territory is annexed by Texas. In addition, popular singer Ruben Blades has set to work on a protest song with Sting.

 

 

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