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Wizard Group Promises Healthy Social Security

Posted March 10, 2005

The Washington Wizards, a consortium of magical beings who study economic policy, have announced that the President's social security plan will create a bright future in which retirement is secure, and all dragons are vanquished.

"I've studied the data over and over, and peered into my crystal ball," commented team leader Jake Merlin. "It shows old people dancing, frolicking around their mailbox as they look at the fat check from their private retirement account. Or the check could have come from an IRA or 401k. Perhaps Ed McMahon. The absence of dragons was clear."

Another wizard within the group, Splendra Hendrickson, traveled to the future herself to verify the new American Golden Age. "Time travel is dangerous," said the good witch. "I was only able to stay a very short time, just long enough to meet with some investment bankers. They were quite pleased with the large hoards of treasure they manage. And that flesh-eating disease that will wipe out the baby boomers seemed totally under control." Asked if she received any other viewpoints, she said, "I didn't meet with the peasantry. There wasn't time."

The administration's reliance on the black arts threatened to rend its alliance with the religious right. James Dobson, from Focus on the Family, wrote a letter of condemnation. "The government cannot reasonably claim to be pro-family and retain such close ties with the minions of Satan. It isn't right."

The White House issued the following tactical response. "There are kissing men out there. Go get 'em." Focus on the Family has not been heard from since.

"Tying the dragon problem to Social Security is wrong," said Senator Joe Biden. "The Administration is playing on the fear of the people. But I tell you right now, fixing Social Security will not prevent the American people from being charred to a crisp by giant flying reptiles." Senate Republicans labeled Biden as an obstructionist.

Democrats also complain of the wizards' bias. "There are several hundred alternate futures to choose from," said Jerry Brown, the Democratic expert on partisan witchcraft. "They're bending the data for their own purposes."



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