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Filed Under Politics

White House Reshuffles Office Of Office Supplies

Posted April 30, 2006

As it continues internal shakeups, the White House will reorganize several critical departments, including the Office Of Office Supplies (OOOS). With a majority of Americans dissatisfied with the direction of the executive branch, a frank and honest change in government bureaus is expected to help the President regain the trust of the people. Layoffs and restructuring are slated to occur in several crucial departments, such as the motor pool, the janitorial services, and the mysterious East Wing.

"This is an administration that learns from its mistakes," said new Chief of Staff Josh Bolten. "The Office of Office Supplies is critical to West Wing operations, and the wrong toner delivered to the wrong office sends the wrong message to the terrorists."

Members of the White House press corps questioned how this shakeup will affect the war in Iraq. "In a democracy, everyone needs paper," said new White House Press Secretary Foxy Snow. "We are dedicated to helping the Iraqi government implement its own Ministry of Office Supplies."

According to internal audits, the OOOS is a model of efficiency, with little corruption or favoritism. "We believe that their strong record will make the Office of Office Supplies better able to handle institutional change that will truly modernize it for the challenges of the twenty-first century," continued Bolten. "There's no institution within government, no matter how well run, that we can't repurpose."

Critics of the realignment claim that this move is merely window dressing, but the new Secretary of Lawns and Gardens maintains that window dressing changes will be made at another time.

An early change to the Office of Office Supplies will be the elimination of recycled paper from the photocopy room. Also, Xerox machines will become coin operated. Savings from this measure will help defray coffee expenses.

The new Administrator for the Office of Office Supplies, Wyatt Washington, is formerly a lobbyist for the ball point pen industry. He will get together with a task force of corporate leaders to assess the real needs of the OOOS. A Texas native, Washington has never been to Washington before. "My entire extended family is excited to start working here."

Chef of Staff to Remain

Despite repeated calls for his ouster, Chef Maitre Andre Boubrand will remain as the top cook within the White House Kitchen. The French Chef is despised throughout the administration, as his delicious souffles have caused universal weight gain. "I'm proud to serve your country," read a spokesperson for the chef. "In a time of war one needs to accommodate the various dietary needs of the staff, and I will not leave my post unless the Vice President personally fires me."

 

 

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