Five Worst Superpowers

Sex Toy Industry Pays for Billions Spent on Unwed Mothers

Spin from Hurricane Aftermath Threatens Disaster


Find me on Twitter

Find me on Facebook

Filed Under Life

How To Protect Your Country Club During Hurricane Season

Posted July 24, 2006

Make sure the back nine holes are not located within the floodplain. There is no way to absolutely ascertain whether your golf course is in a floodplain without months of arduous hydrological research or a quick Google search. Do you know where the servants' quarters are? That is the floodplain. Once a storm hits, call and complain to the club's board that the not only the back nine are in the floodplain, but your fine sloop, 2 Drink Minimum, is also in the floodplain. How could you possibly know that the harbor was prone to floods? NOTE: FEMA cannot be held responsible for incorrect predictions on storm paths and severity. Although we regularly consult with the best weather blogs, it has come to our attention that they are not as useful as actual meteorological data. We at FEMA thought meteorology had something to do with predicting meteor showers and Earth-threatening comets. During this hurricane season FEMA has been hammering out an intelligence-sharing agreement with the National Atmospheric and Oceanic Administration to provide better forecasts.

Lay In Supplies

Your boy should lay in stock of the following supplies: gin, tonic, white wine, red wine (if not eating fish that might have washed ashore), scotch, cheap scotch (in case needy relatives drop by) and enough cold beer to entice the fire and police departments to come to your aid. Earmuffs would be useful to block out the sound of generators and ambulance sirens. Do not forget toast. This is not to be eaten, but to be stowed high and away in case your deck of playing cards becomes unseasonably damp. The toast may be engraved as a new set of playing cards with your knife (if you have one) or your corkscrew (which you definitely have).

Consult with your broker to ascertain which stocks perform best after large-scale natural disasters. FEMA will provide its list of no-bid contractors for a small fee (cash only).

Send all non essential crew (your wife, her family, their friends) out of harm's way as soon as you hear word of the storm. Retreat to high ground (the bar) and break your FEMA-sanctioned assault rifle out of its protective glass. Make sure to helicopter your mistress into the area before the storm hits.

After the Storm
Assess the condition of your yacht. Note any damage that occurred to Princess III (which you swear to have named after the third daughter you never had, and not your mistress). Contact your lawyer and sue to recover any damages that occurred before, during, or after the storm. If you are unable to contact your lawyer, or are unable to afford one, FEMA will provide one for you. Note: any damage your vessel has incurred after you slammed into it with your wife's Miata will be prorated.

Fetid pools of standing water breed malaria-bearing mosquitoes. Drink at least one prophylactic gin and tonic every time you see such a puddle.



Comment On This Story Comments are moderated to prevent spam.
Your Name (required)

Your Email (required, not published)

Your Site (optional)

permalink this story

RSS Feed

(add your email to the mailing list)

Stuff You Buy.

G is for Gangsta (comedy album)


Captain Freedom (novel)

Buy it at Amazon, Powell's or your favorite Indie.

Politics | Toys | Tech | Life | Business | Publications | Bio | Links | Home