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Landis Drug Test Proves French Hate American Cyclists

Posted August 7, 2006

I'm sitting with the beautiful and intelligent Dr. Dominique Rouse, chief scientist at the French Societe Mediterranean de Unprovable Guessing (SMUG), at the birth of a fascinating discovery. Trepidation crackles in the air; this is as exciting as when they discovered the gene that forces Frenchmen to love Jerry Lewis. After the most recent American doping scandal, the doctor has discovered a mysterious substance that incontrovertibly causes French people to hate American cyclists. Shown below, traces of this strange element appear in every athlete's drug test, regardless of doping levels.

Artist's sketch of the strange organism

Called velo-gringo-phobic-styrene(VGPS), the enzyme has been detected in every drug test administered by French scientists. It is unknown whether the substance is a synthetic drug itself, an enzyme, or a protein.

Based on its unique configuration, Dr. Rouse suspects that is is a biological nanotechnology, which is called TresPetitTech (TPT) in France. "It is possible that this TPT was released into the wild, after it developed some form of cognizance," theorizes Dr. Rouse. "We always have problems like that nanotechnology escaping from the lab. We should do a better job reporting it."

Disgraced cyclist Floyd Landis remains silent on the issue, but his lawyer commented: "it is a scientifically proven hatred of U.S. cyclery, plus the fact that Floyd jammed a needle full of synthetic testosterone into his ass, that caused him to fail the drug test."

Despite its menacing appearance, the stuff appears harmless - it denatures on contact with watery American beer.

It is unknown whether there is any medical benefit to the material, other than its application in goofy fake news stories, but French Anti-Doping Agency spokesperson Benney LeTruc hopes its presence will convince American cyclists to go home. "It is the Tour de France. You have the America's Cup, we have the Tour De France. Stop winning."



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