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Filed Under Life
Zombie Handbook
Posted June 20, 2005
Chapter 3 – Chasing Your Prey
In the entire history of zombies, there have been limited options in terms of our nutrition. As a group, we eat brains, and there's no way around that. Brains sustain us, they complete us, and they are very delicious when pureed and served on crackers. Although zombie lobbyists on K Street work around the clock with our Republican friends in Congress to deregulate the sale of brains, until the brain trade is accepted on the open market we are still forced to find food by the honorable hunting and gathering method. This manual should help the new zombie who still stinks of grave to enjoy a long, happy, unlife, well nourished by the sweetbreads of their former human brethren.
As has been alluded to in previous chapters, the cornfield is an excellent location to hunt. This is best done in the carefree days of summer, when the corn is high, and the fields will hide you from anyone on the side of the road, who might pull over and call for help. The presence of a scarecrow will also add to the fright aspect of the situation.
It would be ill advised to hunt in a strawberry patch, or any other low crop. Mortals do not tend to scare easily or become disoriented while in the strawberry patch.
Other fields work as well. Sugarcane, for you lucky zombies in central latitudes, can stand in as a surrogate for corn. If you are in warmer climes be sure to bring a cooler, for a brain might get rancid faster than a coconut.
Another technique is to chase your quarry to their car. This is counter-intuitive, especially for a species with the low IQ of the zombie, who do not run quickly. But the closer the human gets to the car, the more it will fumble for its keys, and most likely will drop the keys to the ground as soon as you are upon it.
Some zombies will attack women in the shower. This is not well looked upon in the zombie community. For one, you are very likely to meet a psychopath, who has already garroted your victim. Also, the chances of slipping in the tub and breaking something are far too great, and the woman will most likely run away, leaving you both hungry and smelling of some foul kiwi grapefruit bath gel.
Do not attack anyone who’s too good looking, or a rugged individual who’s got problems with authority: this person will find a way to kill you. But you say, “I’m already dead. What of it?” Foolish zombie, the smart, good-looking loner wins every time. Go for the fat kid with glasses, or the bitchy but hot co-ed who's got it coming.
Finally, and this cannot be repeated often enough, don’t walk around constantly moaning about brains. We all know that we constantly crave brain, but the repetition may spook the entrée. If you must moan about something, perhaps say “Football. Football.”
Welcome. We are glad you have embraced the zombie lifestyle. Zombism is not a condition to fear, but to be embraced. With a constant supply of fresh brains, you should be able to participate in your new life as a zombie-American, and continue to work, play and hunt until you are very old and your arms fall off.
 
copyright 2004-2024 G. Xavier Robillard
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