Filed Under Life
World Cup Soccer Rules
Posted July 2, 2006
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What kind of international game could lack American domination? It's called soccer. Americans must be patient in their desire to win the championship. It took California 400 years to produce a wine that could compete with the French – don't expect a World Cup victory until 2440. To better prepare U.S. players and fans for 2010, it is important that they understand the rules of the World Cup tournament.
Penalty kick – after a foul, the injured player is allowed to kick a player from the opposite squad in the crotch.
Yellow Card – given to any player who pisses off the referee.
Red Card – such a card is offered to any violent player who should perhaps switch to hockey, American Football, or rugby. Infractions include tackling from behind or being unimpressed by Victoria Beckham's hotness.
Green Card – is offered to any foreign soccer player who joins the U.S. team.
Offsides – the rules involving offsides are known only to a chosen few known as the Futbalrati. This group of secular monks have viciously defended the secret, and killed interlopers who vied to learn its arcane origins. Understanding of the offsides rule would cheapen the game as it is known today. The artist Victor Van Gogh encoded an explanation of offsides in the base layer of several paintings, including Starry Night, but went insane and cut off his own ear after the Dutch lost to Portugal in 1888.
FIFA – this is the name of a French poodle who controls the destiny of all games behind the scenes.
Overtime – if two teams are tied through the end of regulation play, they play two fifteen minute periods. If neither team can gain an advantage, both teams are allowed five penalty kicks, creating a potentially high scoring game. This is the part of a match that Americans enjoy. If neither team can win in penalty kicks, the matter is referred to the permanent Security Council of the United Nations, and the game is judged on its merits, involving such qualities as sportsmanship, number of fouls, sneaker color, hairstyles and theatricality.
Retirement – contrary to urban legend, losing players are not executed when they return to their home country. Instead, they enter the Winless Protection Program, where they can continue to play, free of shame, in the United States' Major League Soccer.
Diving – the game of soccer has its origins in Shakespeare, and part of that dramatic heritage is seen to this day. Players will take a dive, falling to the ground, clutching their abdomen and crying, occasionally fake blood pouring out their noses, to fool the ref into awarding a foul and giving the diver possession. Several of the game's best divers have been awarded Oscars for best dramatic scene in a sporting event.
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard