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Filed Under Politics

Terrorists Cannot Decide on 2008 Presidential Candidate

Posted February 26, 2007

Al Fatwa Training Camp, Southern Afghanistan

It is a frigid night in this mountainous region. In the training camp, men with ski masks and Kalashnikov rifles smoke cigarettes, take turns stoking the inadequate fire, or log in to to see if their newest photos have been chosen for the homepage photo contest. Although the night sky is cloudless, nobody here can see clearly into what kind of President they'd like to see take over from George W. Bush in 2008.

For some here, it's just too early to tell. The primary season has just begun, but none of the candidates have distinguished themselves as the type to ignite worldwide jihad. The group hopes for a strong leader, one against whom the entire Islamic world can rally. At least one terrorist complains that 2008 is hopeless. "Unless somebody comes out from nowhere, I might have to stop blowing things up for a while."

"Obviously we'd like to see George W. Bush stay on for another four years," says Shaka Khan. "But there is some kind of term limit that prevents this," he explains to the others. "Curse American democracy! I hate freedom," he spits into the flame.

"John McCain was my early favorite. He's bat-shit crazy, and might invade three or four other countries. But I don't like where he is on universal health care," argues Abdul Ghafoor. "Plus he might use nukes," says another.

They discuss Mitt Romney, but cannot decide whether Mormonism would be more of an apostate affront to Islam than an Evangelical. "Does anyone know the difference?" asks one. The group cannot answer.

The terrorists are disappointed that the primary season has come so early. "This time last election, I was still harvesting opium," says Akbar. "Now I'm stuck here watching CNN. It leaves me very little time for actual terrorism."

"How do you feel about Barack Hussein Obama?" asks Ali.

"Don't let the name fool you. He's as Christian as the rest of them."

"They said on Fox News he was educated in a madrasah."

"Really? That would be terrible for us."

"Democrats and Republicans are the same," laments Mullah Khalid. The comment causes a flurry of discussion about the limits of the two-party system. The terrorists would like to see an Independent candidate, preferably one who would set out to create an American Wahhabist theocracy.

"But the first lady couldn't wear a burqa," argues another. "It wouldn't look right."

The arguments go on through the night. The cadre of seasoned killers agrees to wait for the Iowa caucuses before an endorsement.



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