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Gay Marriage Solution

Posted April 18, 2005

Rather than depend on the whims of activist judges, the Department of Health and Human Services has borrowed a proven concept from the US military to usher in a resolution to the gay marriage debate: Don't Ask, Don't Tell. This pamphlet will provide family-friendly ways to avoid embarrassment caused by the accidental attendance at gay weddings. In addition, we will address cases of 'drive-by' homosexuality.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell is a modernized version of "you do your thing (living in sin and shoveling coals on the Damnation Express), and I'll do mine (spreading the Christian Word and cross dressing)."

Americans should acknowledge the benefits of same-sex marriage. The wedding economy (dresses, cakes, catering, floral arrangements, counseling, honeymoon tourism, alcohol, facility rentals, Indigo Girls album sales, divorce lawyers) stands to skyrocket, as will the potential number of comedic movies (i.e. Runaway Brides, Meet the Gaylords, etc). Don't Ask Don't Tell allows us to appreciate these financial stimuli without compromising our morality, while remaining a fundraising flashpoint.

The plan is simple. If you are gay, and getting married, don't blab about it to your coworkers like you always do when you talk about that sweet brunch spot with no wait that's in your neighborhood.

If you suspect that a new friend or coworker might be gay, never ask if they're married, or getting married. If you see a rock on her finger, it doesn't matter whether it came from Joe or Josephine. The only question you have any right to ask is: How many carats?

At some social "mixers", such as bridge or bowling, married couples find themselves talking to each other, without any hint as to the stranger's orientation. Not to worry, there's plenty to talk about! Both heterosexual and homosexual couples can spend valuable time bemoaning their spouse's deficiencies. This time-honored tradition can be enjoyed regardless of sexual preference. Hint to avoid an embarrassing Q&A, you might refer to your husband/wife/lover/special friend as "my spouse."

Same sex couples might consider lying to hide their status. If it makes anyone feel less awkward, that's great! Meeting your new neighbors? Try this old saw: "James and I are both confirmed bachelors." Or for you lady couples, "we're spinsters. Want to see our needlepoint?"

Despite preparation, there may come a time when you find yourself in attendance at a same-sex wedding. Do not panic. Do not focus on the two women or two men at the altar. Pretend you are at the wedding of your in-law's children. Do not think about their honeymoon, or that both men are better dancers than your husband.

You may criticize the food, the seating arrangements, and the music volume/selection just as you would at a normal wedding!

As a gay couple preparing for a life of sanctified and state-sponsored bickering, you should consider the following for your wedding plan.

  1. One (and only one) member of the nuptial couple should dress in drag. As corny as this might seem, some unsuspecting guests will believe that this is a hetero wedding.
  2. Spice up the registry! Don't rely exclusively at Home Depot, or William Sonoma. Drop that Paella pan and sign up for a chainsaw.
  3. For the invitations, one (but not both) might adopt a "straight name". Mark could become Mary for his special day.

'Drive-by' homosexuality occurs when two people of the same sex fall in love, even though one or both has previously experienced heterosexual proclivities.

If you are lucky enough to fall in love, under no circumstance should you query your partner as to their gender, or sexual preference. Should the relationship progress, such ignorance will prevent you from knowingly enter into a homosexual marriage.

It's important for all Americans gay, straight, or just rebelling against your powerful family just to make a point to understand and comply with these new rules, for there are punishments related to revealing a non-heterosexual orientation.

If you ask:
you will be remanded to sensitivity training in Berkeley, California.

If you tell:
Your marriage will be annulled and you and your partner will be stripped of all civil and legal benefits.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell the less America knows, the better.



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