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Filed Under Politics

President Bush Threatens Sanctions On Congressional Democrats

Posted April 19, 2007

US Ambassador to the United Nations Michael Bolton introduced a measure to place sanctions on the United States Congress until it agrees with President Bush's Iraq strategy. If approved, Democrats would be deprived of salaries, health insurance, food aid, the Sunday New York Times, and National Public Radio interviews until they agree to provide emergency military funding for the war in Iraq.

"The President has tried to compromise with Democrats," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino. "He's offered vetoes, ignored Congressional advise, fired dissenting military leaders and shredded the Iraq Study Group Report. Since the Democrat leadership won't compromise, it's time to play hardball." Vice President Cheney's suggestion of air strikes on the Congress are still in the planning stage.

The new Ambassador Bolton replaced former UN Ambassador John Bolton. Michael Bolton was easily confirmed by the US Senate last month when he sang a rousing version of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. In a passionate speech to the UN Security Council Mr. Bolton implored that they impose a trade embargo against Congressional Democrats, who in arguing for a timeline for troop withdrawal in Iraq are "freedom-hating, terrorist-harboring, puppy-murdering scum". The great soul singer finished his speech with a unique rendition of Stand By Your Man, which led to a standing ovation from member nations.

Democrats pledge that they will hold firm in spite of the toughest deprivation, but there are already signs that they are cracking. Democratic Congressional Caucus leader Rahm Emanuel evacuated the Capitol when his staff informed him he'd no longer have access to the Daily Show.

Press Secretary Perino assured reporters that the move would cripple Democrats. "Look at Iran. They couldn't take the sanctions."

Russian premier Vladimir Putin argued that sanctions against the Congress weren't enough. "Whenever the Russian Parliament goes against my will I blow it up and get a new one." He offered to personally torture any and all Democratic congressional leaders until they understand that democracy means saying yes to the President.

 

 

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