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Filed Under Life

How Aging Rockers Stay Alive

Posted May 1, 2007

8 comments posted. Read them now.

David Bowie

Why he's still famous: The man could make self-immolation look sexy.

Why he should be a corpse: Several years of cocaine-induced anorexia, chain smoking, alcoholism, then a quadruple bypass. The only possible explanation for Bowie's heart is that it's entirely decorative, like the tight leather pants he favors.

How he survived:
It is common knowledge that the Thin White Duke sucks out the souls from promising young talent, leaving the victims shells of their former selves, while David's music is as vital as ever. Recent sacrifices have been the Gallagher brothers of Oasis. David hopes to ambush Justin Timberlake at the Grammys and secure himself another 75 years of music.

Keith Richards

Why he's still famous: The same reason people flock to the Mona Lisa: old, ugly, but fucking famous.

Why he should be a corpse: The man has brain surgery and then goes back on tour. He's discovered a whole alphabet's worth of exotic strains of Hepatitis, battled several heroin addictions, and once defended the rest of the Stones from a family of angry polar bears.

How he survived:
The Rolling Stone who snorted his father's ashes is the current incarnation of Set, a 7000-year-old Egyptian deity who was sent to our world to drink in its chaos. Since global strife isn't going anywhere, Richards will likely play the bluesy yet pop-sounding guitar riff introducing the apocalypse.

Bob Dylan

Why he's still famous: Parents take their kids to Dylan concerts much in the way they make them eat spinach and watch black and white movies.

Why he should be a corpse: Experienced a near-fatal motorcycle crash in the late Sixties, took a lot of pills, and slept with Joan Baez. If you had to hear that annoying voice every day, you'd want to silence it with a bullet.

How he survived:
When Robert Zimmerman was a little boy, an angel came down from Heaven and blessed him by saying: 'Every time someone calls you a genius, another month will be added to your life.'

Ozzie Osbourne

Why he's still famous: Because sometimes ironic appreciation morphs into genuine thralldom.

Why he should be a corpse: Almost everyone around him has died.

How he survived:
Oz attributes his longevity to a steady diet of 'bat heads and blow". These days, the former frontman of Black Sabbath is living clean, but occasionally he'll freebase some Metamucil or his wife Sharon's cancer drugs. He laughs off suggestions that he sold his soul for immortality. "I never even met Satan," he claims, "but I was really fucked up at the time." Asked for comment, Satan replied that "anyone who's watched his reality show can confirm he's already living in the sixteenth circle of Hell."

Rod Stewart

Why he's still famous: Because everybody needs a fantasy.

Why he should be a corpse: Some times the prettiest one has to die.

How he survived:
The original Rod Stewart was assassinated while he was a member of the Faces. Facing commercial disaster, the band's promoter's introduced the RodBot, the first entirely robotic lead singer. Earlier versions of the RodBot short circuited after coming in contact with women's undergarments. Since his operating system is running Linux he should be touring forever.



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