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Filed Under Technology

Bacteria Lobby For Extension of Five Second Rule

Posted June 12, 2007

An international coalition of bacteria has asked Congress to extend the five second rule, a measure which determines how much time food may spend on the floor before it is picked up and eaten. It's caused a stir across the country, with public health advocates facing off against privacy groups and quadrillions of teeming bacteria.

"Given the lifespan of your average bacteria," said Salmonella Enteritidis, a speaker for the Sixth Second, the leading advocacy group on the issue, "five seconds allows the bacteria to colonize the food and reproduce for thirty, maybe forty generations. We'd like a chance to establish a real foothold." Ms. Enteritidis died immediately after the statement.

The Sixth Second coalition has taken some unique positions in the past, including positive support for ant-bacterial soap. "We learned that trick from Phillip Morris," said Sixth Second President Staphylococcus Aureus. "The easiest way to get people to smoke was to launch an anti-smoking campaign."

Lobbyist Escher Coli denied charges that he'd work to promote an agenda for something that could harm humans. "There are millions of species of bacteria whose presence have a benign effect on humans," Coli said. "It's downright bigoted to blame all bacteria on a few bad apples."

Coli, a former congressman, says that he appreciates serving a broad spectrum of constituents. "Back in Congress I only represented people from my hometown. Now I can work with interests across the map. I've worked with marsupials, fungi, pond scum - everyone." The lobbyist reiterates his interest in working with all types of scum with a legislative agenda.

Some radical groups propose rolling back the five second rule to zero seconds, but this seems unlikely to happen. "The five second rule is not amnesty," claimed one senator. "Millions of bacteria cross our intestinal borders every day, and we should do our best to acknowledge them."

After hearing testimony at a private Caribbean resort from the persuasive lobby Senators from both sides of the aisle generally agreed with an expansion of the rule.

"Five seconds isn't enough time to pick food up off the floor," said 100-year-old Senator Methuselah Oldman. "In times of scarcity people need all the floor food they can get. A 15 or 20 second rule is a necessary buffer against hardship."

"It's a public health opportunity," agreed Mr. Aureus.



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