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Five Worst Superpowers

Posted October 3, 2006

Swimming
Examples:Aquaman, Submariner
Great. You can hold your breath, swim fast, and even commune with the dolphins. Maybe you can turn this into a traveling roadshow with your dolphin sidekicks and show up at Burning Man? Oh wait, there's no water at Burning Man.

Seventy percent of the earth's surface is covered with water, but at least 99% percent of super-villains know this, which is why they usually build their secret hideaways in deserts, mountaintops, and polluted waterways like the Erie Canal. Would be a great superpower to have in the movie Waterworld. A good side career for this super power is locating and removing dead bodies in the Hudson River.

Archery super-marksmanship
Examples: Hawkeye, Green Arrow
This is almost as lame as shield throwing, which has been confused by Captain America as a super-power, rather than a track and field sport. The super-archers provide real superheroes with somebody to rescue. It's also embarrassing whenever they run out of arrows.

Why not rely on six thousand year old technology to fight modern evils? Let's do the math:

  1. Speed of a .22 caliber bullet: 1750 feet per second
  2. Speed of an arrow: 220 feet per second.
So I could waste this guy with a gun from Walmart.

A Super-archer might think about getting a job as a hunting guide, where rich eccentric people will pay a lot of money to watch you bullseye a buffalo from five hundred feet with exploding arrows.

Truth Lasso
Examples: Wonder Woman, Elliot Spitzer
You can flout the Geneva Conventions all you want, but most military intelligence experts will tell you that you can't get reliable evidence from torture and whether or not you want to admit it, the truth lasso is another form of torture. It has already been established in domestic courts of law(ACLU v. Wonder Woman, Supreme Court 2005), that any evidence obtained from the truth lasso is inadmissible.

In a career shift, Wonder Woman might trade in her gaudy red white and gold outfit for black leather and become a Dominatrix.

Knowing Every Language
example: Cipher
This super power is often coupled with the ability to be killed off by the third issue. Such polyglot heroes are forced to moonlight as tour guides for the United Nations. They are very useful for international hero travel because they can point out the bathrooms.

Flying
Examples: Superman, Wasp
Most people out there, except those of us who are terrified of flying and would rather take the train, think that flying would be a great super power. In reality, flying is like being the only sixteen-year-old with a driver's license and her own car. Everyone is always asking for a ride. It's one thing to have a VW Beetle packed with all your friends, but having to carry all your Superfriends as you fly around? There have been enough advances in hero conveyance (jet packs; knowing a good teleporter; endless available military prototype superjets) that nobody should have to rely on flying.

 

 

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