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Filed Under Politics

More UN Video Games

Posted May 2, 2005

Leveraging the popularity of Food Force, the video game where You Feed The Children, the United Nations has developed the following new releases to help you, the children, rid the world of all manner of ills.

Grand Theft Afghan
As a Kabul-based contractor, paid one thousand dollars per diem, your mission is to build a girls' school. But the problem is, as soon as you leave your deluxe, heavily guarded compound, you are confronted by the public, who complain about their lack of clean water and medicines. You must avoid local contact at all cost! Make shady deals for shoddy construction materials. Find unique ways to spend your large reconstruction budget on any items at all: subcontractors, security, your own mosque, travel, or bribes (make sure not to distribute the monies directly to the community). As you progress through the game levels, you compete with other development experts for larger budgets, and whether or not you actually build any schools, your ultimate goal is to spend it all, while assuring your funders that the job is getting done.

Quake Mod Hold Your Fire
In this first person shooter game, you'll march proudly in your blue helmet. You're a UN Peacekeeper, a nation builder, working to spread freedom across the globe, ready to appear as a somber force in the latest hot spots, or at least maintain the status quo, or perhaps try to stay out of the way of battling warlords. You will be supplied with the latest weaponry, which you may not use under any circumstance, whether you are fending off an angry mob, or attempting to flee a fallen embassy. The fewer bullets you discharge, the higher your score. A split screen within the game will display real time deliberations on the nature of genocide within the Security Counsel.

Global Warming: Commission Impossible
You children will garner the greatest satisfaction in our "Decrease Global Warming" offering. Players will team up into several subcommittees (encourage your chums to play on-line), using our novel and educational command line interface to address the global warming debate. Tasks will be divided by the UN high commissioner, so until the game commences, players will have no idea if they are drafting treaties, conducting scientific research, or writing New York Times Op-Eds. Extra points will be given to any player who can garner cooperation from the touchy United States Senate, while simultaneously curbing fossil fuel emissions in China. Fun for your entire cohort!

GoldenCurb License 2 Park
Clawing your way up the diplomatic bureaucracy, you endure boring parties, revolutions, culture clashes and ugly countries. As you progress through the game, you will expend loyalty and backstabbing points to convince your home government to make you a diplomat! After your drop off into a glamorous foreign city (you get to pick!), you will be able to abuse your host country in ways you couldn't previously imagine. Pretend to be a spy, and waste valuable intelligence resources. Throw large parties and court local celebrities. Your ultimate goal in this fun urban adventure is to become ambassador, gain diplomatic immunity, and nullify your parking tickets.

Bolton Reloaded
This offering is a perfected, timely version of the crass bestseller JFK Reloaded. As a professional UN assassin, you'll be tasked with eliminating a constant thorn in our side: US diplomat John Bolton. Use the Zapruder film as a training session for this crucial copycat killing. Bolton must not discover the UN's ultimate goal to establish a global government. Failure is not acceptable, and will trigger a writeup, a hearing of the Permanent Security Council, and a permanent demotion to guard the consulate of Chad.

Operation Enduring Speeches
For whom do smiles not arise when recalling the long-winded diatribes of an Arafat or Castro? As future diplomats, you too must listen to thoughtfully crafted and jargon-laden speeches on such thrilling topics as agronomy and debt relief! Our game uses real-life video clips of typical speeches, and provides a fun quiz for each participant on content and oratorical style. Extra points will be awarded to those participants who can ignore the snores and taunts of other diplomats.

Tomb Raider The Curse of the Looted Museum
Join Curvaceous Crime fighter Lara Croft as she teams up with forensics officers from the unimpeachable INTERPOL. Abstaining from violence, Lara will visit Universities, Museums and private art collectors, to return stolen relics to the national museum of Baghdad. As a particularly keen instructive portion of the video entertainment, Dr. Croft will deliver an art history lecture on the significance and provenance of each stolen scroll and bauble. Players who advance to sufficient levels will earn the opportunity to learn Aramaic vocabulary words.

DropZone Schistosomiasis
As an swashbuckling MD, you've been smuggled in by the local village counsel to handle the schistosomiasis epidemic. You'll tour the deserts and the jungles, the mountains and the coasts of the developing world. You'll fight as hard as you can, you'll put your entire career into this problem, but funding will be cut as the foundation world's short attention span moves onto sexier diseases, and so you take out a second mortgage to keep immunizing, and you run out of money again, and yet you don't make a single dent in this global pandemic. After many years making presentations, writing grant applications, forming committees, the situation with this deadly and underfunded disease will not change. In the final levels of the game, having lost all respect of the field of epidemiology, and divorcing the last of your graduate students, you collapse in Tahiti, where you will relax in a villa built on the monies you necessarily embezzled from your last lingering grants.

 

 

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