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Filed Under Life

Peanut Doping Scandal Rocks Little League Championship

Posted August 28, 2007

Just moments after the final out that gave the hardscrabble Little League team from Georgia a World Championship over Japan, lab results pointed to the presence of a banned substance in one of Georgia’s infielders. An independent lab acknowledged the presence of peanut butter in an initial sample. If confirmed by B exam results, the substance that has tainted so many sporting events will cause another casualty.

Little League Baseball, the governing body of international little league, will not release the name of the suspected offender, but most insiders agree that the likely culprit is Steve Spetz, a veteran shortstop. The twelve-year-old has been scouted since his early success in tee-ball, and and has hinted to peanut use in the past. His particular vice has been crack, the street name for Cracker Jack, which he was forced to quit upon receiving braces early this year.

“Steven has faced a lot of pressure,” said his agent, affectionately known around the clubhouse as “Steve’s Mom.” “But I’ve been careful to keep peanuts – all nuts – out of his lunch box since the ban. Peanuts have been banned from LLB since 2003, but its use continues to rampage, sometimes mixed with jelly to cut its potency, other times hidden as seemingly innocuous Fluffernutter. At least one of Spetz teammates, rookie Andy Winehouse, has been hospitalized after repeated peanut abuse.

The Japanese team has not been without scandal. Their star pitcher, Matsutaka ‘Jackie Robinson’ Ito has been seen eating raw tuna, in the form of sushi, which contains high amounts of mercury, which could have devastating effects on young bodies. Should both the US and Japanese teams fall to scandal, the world championship would revert to third place Venezuela.

“The whole thing is hysterical,” said longtime sportswriter Tommy O’Manny. “The LLB banned on-field nose picking 30 years ago. Turns out, boogers had no effects on pitching ability. Ruined the careers of many promising kids. This peanut thing is a witch hunt.”

Some critics charge that LLB, headquartered in the US, hasn’t done enough to combat banned substances. There have been reports of kids using sodas and Kool-aid, event Pop Tarts to combat both the stresses of parental scrutiny and the excrutiating boredom of seemingly endless six inning games. Commissioner Dusty Candle, head of the LLB, commented that he refuses to comment on an ongoing investigation.

“Maybe people should focus on the positive,” said Candle, “such as how the Little League trophy looks on my mantel.”

Rookie Andy Winehouse, who nearly asphyxiated due to a near lethal cocktail of peanut butter and Big League Chew bubble gum, watched the winning game from his hospital room. “I just hope kids learn from my mistake. Don’t let the peanut monkey on your back.”

 

 

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