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Filed Under Business

6 Ways Airlines Could Make Some Serious Money

Posted July 14, 2008

1 comment posted. Read it now.

The airlines have developed several cost-cutting measures so that they do not have to go bankrupt due to high fuel prices, but not enough has been done. Additional fees and price structures are listed here.

Mile High Club Membership
Any passengers attempting to join the Mile High Club by either getting high in the bathroom or having sex in the bathroom will now face an application fee of up to $50 per person. The fee applies to both current and aspiring members. If you are not sure whether or not you have been a member of the Mile High Club at any time in the past, it is best to be on the safe side and apply.

Opportunity To Tell Parents of Crying/Screaming/Seat Kicking Toddler/Infant/Tween Exactly What’s Wrong With the Way They're Raising Their Children
This is only a $10 per incident charge. However, should you wish a professional to voice your complaint for you, there will be an additional $20 per five minutes of beratement*. A professional videographer can also be available to capture your memories for $75/MegaByte of footage.

Plane Restructuring
This bold new method will include grounding ALL aircraft. After wings are removed, the aircraft will then be chained together and harness an incredibly low-fuel, pre-existing technology which allows people to be shuttled back and forth on the ground at high speeds. This method is called "Plane-to-Train." Price TBD.

Lobbying Bailout Fee
Every passenger, in addition to paying the baggage, security and pillow fees, will be asked to pay a $50 congressional lobbyist fee.

The lobbyist fee, part of the industry’s new "Adopt A Lobbyist" program, will help the airlines retain the expensive services of Washington lobbyists, who will make sure to work on our behalf in front off Congress to secure a taxpayer-funded(that's you) bailout should we fall into bankruptcy if we do not make enough off of all other fees. You will have the chance to receive a commemorative, signed photograph of your lobbyist in a lovely frame ($100).

Turbulence Mitigation Fee
Should any passenger request a calmer flight, flight attendants will be available to collect $75 per incident, after which pilots will do their best mitigate the rough skies. By comparison, for any thrill seekers among the passengers, there will be a $25 levy to increase turbulence.

Snack Restructuring
Salted nuts, pretzels, and potato chips will be made available and plentiful. Water, however, will be adjusted to $15/pint.

*the airlines are aware that beratement is not a real word

 

 

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