Filed Under Politics
Special Alert: Iraq Never Promised US a Rose Garden
Posted April 9, 2006
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Part III in a three part story on the anniversary of the Iraq War. Part I Part II
The US government promised that our invasion troops would be greeted in Baghdad as liberators, and the Iraqi people would drop flower petals at their feet. All Day Coffee investigators have learned that Iraq never promised any sort of floral welcoming. Since flowers were an original justification for the war, the revelation threatens to undermine the war effort.
Initial reports claimed men in this photo were carrying daffodils, not AK-47s.
Recently declassified documents from the Pentagon reveal that the 'flower promise', long a justification for going to war, was an error in translation. "The liberators will be greeted with flower petals" would have been correctly translated as "your occupying forces will enjoy blossoming rounds of RPG fire."
"I was expecting a short war full of flowers," said Jackson Ross, who still plans to vote for a third term for George W. Bush. "They caught Saddam, and he didn't even have any flowers. It's disappointing."
Conservative leaders have also abandoned support. The Right Choice, a Washington think tank, issued the following statement: "The conservative movement will only support wars where we are demonstrably kicking ass." The organization warned that they will only promote new GOP causes if they receive "oodles of tax cuts."
The American officials responsible for this intelligence failure have been banished to lucrative positions in the private sector. They are expected to make millions leveraging their ability to fuck up spectacularly. Judith Miller, the journalist who was responsible for writing articles that would not pass freshman English class, has taken a new position at The Onion.
Vice President Dick Cheney maintains that flowers were all over the streets of Baghdad. "Tulips, daisies, poppies, it was a goddamn Rose Parade," growled Mr. Cheney. He claims that the flowers were hidden by the Media.
Fox News, taking an unusually partisan stance, agrees with the Vice President. "We can confirm reports of the presence of flowers appeared on Fox News just days after the fall of Baghdad. The network has already quoted itself extensively on this issue."
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard