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Filed Under Politics

George Bush Reflects on Last Eight Years as Baseball Commissioner

Posted January 19, 2009

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Editorial Note
For the past four years of All Day Coffee's existence, the management has strayed away from openly mocking President Bush*. Partly because we believe that there should be some sanctity in the highest office of the land, but mostly we feel that a) it's too easy and b) everybody's doing it. And with that first part, since George W. Bush has completely defiled the "highest office of the land" with the gleeful abandon of a toddler in presidentially-embossed, crap-laden diapers which he's used as a slingshot to take out some of the overhead lighting in the Oval Office, we feel it's high time to forgo honor and get in a parting shot.

* with the notable exception of our President's Day eCards from 2006.

George W. Bush, former oilman and part owner baseball's Texas Rangers, had a longtime dream to be the MLB Baseball Commissioner, and was obviously delighted when he was chosen for the job in November 2000. In his final speech in the job last week he addressed the nation about his work with the top spot.

"My fellow Americans: Running Major League Baseball was nothing like I could have possibly imagined, and I'm very proud that the sport is as successful as it has been, in no small part to my work. There are new stadiums, great players, even Washington DC got its own team finally, which makes sense, because why else would the baseball commissioner live in the White House?

"Being Baseball Commissioner is a tough job, some would say it's the toughest. I don't know about that, although the elections were pretty overwhelming. But the Commissioner has to decide to do things. Things that impact millions of people. But I've always been ready to be the Decider. And if I've made the wrong decision sometimes the protesters outside this nice mansion are always ready to tell me I have - I mean, come on. It's only a game.

"Though the job's been different than I could have ever imagined, it's had a lot of perks. I get flown around, I've got a huge staff, great security, and I get asked to do a lot of speechifying. Even though I had a shoe thrown at me, at least it wasn't a baseball.

"Some say I've divided this great nation of ours but that's not true. We are a nation of baseball lovers, whether you prefer the National League or the American League. Only one league can win the All Star Game. Only one team can win the World Series.

"People constantly ask me if I've made any mistakes and frankly I'm sick of having to answer that. I had nothing to do with Iraq or the fact that most folks these days don't have jobs. And I'd like to know what being baseball commissioner has to do with Hurricane Katrina? I don't even think Louisiana has a baseball team, but I'll have to look that up later.

"Sure, I have regrets. The Boston Red Sox won twice during my time as commissioner and I really don't care for their tax and spend attitude. Same with the Yankees. If there's one specific mistake I'd care to admit to well there is the steroid problem but I think that's really something the players' union has to address. The only mistake - I mean regret, or bad feeling I can think of is that I feel bad that the Texas Rangers never got a chance to win the World Series. You would have thought as commissioner I coulda fixed that.

"Goodnight and God bless."



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