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Filed Under Politics

History Obama Could Learn From: How FDR Beat King Kong

Posted March 17, 2009

1 comment posted. Read it now.

In the political parlance of the United States pundits like to talk about the First Hundred Days of any Presidency. In fact, the chattering classes are concerned that President Obama has already passed through the first half of the first 100 days, colloquially known as the First 50 Days, and hasn't yet fixed the global economy, created a lasting peace in the Middle East, personally captured Osama Bin Laden or brought our troops home from Afghanistan and Iraq.

Normal observers might wonder why the stakes are so high in the first one hundred days of office, and this is because at the time of our country's founding, back in 1776, years were much shorter - twenty-five days to be exact - so an entire four-year presidential term lasted 100 days. It's also important because President Franklin D. Roosevelt set the gold standard for action within the first 100 days of office.

Within three months of being swarn in, FDR pulled America out of the Great Depression, prevented Hitler from invading Poland, personally coached Jessie Owens to win the Olympic gold and tilted over the Great Lakes to irrigate the Dust Bowl that was causing such food shortages across America. But all of these feats are nothing compared to his battle with King Kong.

As everyone knows, Kong was perched upon the top of the Empire State Building and easily swatting away Marine, Army and Navy helicopters*. The city was running out of time -- because of squatting laws, Kong would soon obtain all rights to the penthouse offices in the landmark building... without paying rent. Even worse, he would control air rights above the building, which gave him high revenue from cell phone antennae and satellite dishes. Action was necessary.

Once he arrived in midtown in his convertible Cadillac, the President shooed off his Secret Service and hatched a plan of action. The first effort, launching high intensity microwave beams from his round spectacles, was met with indifference by the great ape.

Plan B was obvious. The President shot a small dart from his cigarette holder. The prior night he'd quickly brewed an animal tranquilizer in the chemistry lab below the Oval Office and his spectral imaging analysis suggested that the potion was potent enough to knock out an army of Kongs.

Long known as a marksman, often shaming the aim of his own Secret Service as he shot bullet holes in stop signs along country roads, Roosevelt knew his aim was true -- the dart sailed through the air at incredible speeds, powered by his massive lung capacity. The dart closed in on his jugular, another few seconds, and then...

a Navy helicopter appeared in the trajectory of the dart and exploded. A pity. FDR was running out of options. The president realized at last what must be done.

It had been a long while, perhaps while he was serving as Assistant Secretary of the Navy, that he had last used his "mechanical advantage." But if he hadn't back then all those people on the Titanic would have perished.

The president said a few grim words in prayer and then pressed the eject button of the wheel chair. Flying, for a man without working legs, was a marvelous feeling. He threw off his coat and hat, and provided the people below with a spectacle they thought could only be seen in HD at Times Square: the President transformed to a giant metal robot. The idea had come to the President when he was lunching with Albert Einstein years ago,when he was explaining his thoughts on relativity to the obscure patent clerk. While peeling a hard boiled egg Roosevelt realized, "My legs might have been made useless by polio, but there's no reason I can't aid my performance with a giant metal body."

So now, long after he'd promised Eleanor he wouldn't do it again, Roosevelt summoned the giant mechanical suit from its hidden base under the East River, took over the controls and gave the giant, vicious Kong a beating he hadn't experienced since leaving Monster Island. Kong was chagrined, and would never return, for fear that he would be once again humiliated by the Metal President.

We Americans desire action now. President Obama, please cast aside your cool intellect, your shrewd advisors and the bickering Congress. Now is a time for action. Now is a time for your Giant Metal Body.

* at this time the Air Force was busy fighting a heated battle in cyberspace.



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