To Prepare for Hurricane Irene, America's Mayors Urge Residents of Northeast Cities to 'Start Looting Now'
Posted August 25, 2011
The Northeast United States prepares for the brutal onslaught of Hurricane Irene and regional governments are working as quickly as possible to prepare for the disaster. New York State governor Andrew Cuomo has preemptively declared a state of emergency, and mayors Michael Bloomberg of New York, Cory Booker of Newark, New Jersey and Thomas Menino of Boston all request that citizens start looting now.
"We don't want to look like London, which faced ugly riots before any orderly looting could start," said Mayor Bloomberg.
"Boston needs to get ready for the looting and unrest that will occur after a likely Red Sox World Series victory this Fall," said Mayor Menino. "We expect some good old fashioned Beantown vandalism, along with racial discrimination."
"If our citizens start looting now, before the hurricane has reached Cape Hatteras," explained Newark Mayor Cory Booker, "they can do so in full sunlight, without anyone slipping and skinning their knees because of the rain that we sort of believe might arrive. Also, Newark New Jersey is all about proactive solutions. Why board up your windows when you could be breaking somebody else's?"
Booker's statements were made from atop his emergency rescue submarine, which he plans to use to personally evacuate any and all endangered citizens. The submarine also transforms into a fighting robot.
As an added incentive, Mayor Bloomberg declared that all stolen property could be fenced at local pawn shops tax free.
The decision to loot preemptively was inspired by the experience of the Mayor of England, known to the rest of the world as Prime Minister David Cameron. "Sure, had we let our citizens loot before our riots the whole calamity would have been different. We'd expect America to fly off the handle and sack entire provinces or states once the hurricane occurred, but the fact that they've been looting even before a storm shows that telltale Yankee ingenuity that the whole world has come to loathe."
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard