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Saddam: a fan letter to Mel Gibson

Posted August 13, 2006

1 comment posted. Read it now.

Dear Mel,

Patrick Swayze just called me, and he thought I should give a shout out to my friend Mel. You've been going through a rough patch, and listen, I'm there for you. I've been there, bottom of the spider hole. Did you know I actually thought Patrick was dead after Ghost? True story.

Famous people really are different than everybody else, and you and I both know that we succumb to pressure. So you drive your car really fast. So I used to invade other countries. There should totally be a celebrity lane on the Los Angeles highway. Kind of like a carpool lane,but you get to go as fast as you want.

It just occurred to me that we've got a lot in common!

-You've driven your car at 85 MPH; I've driven thousands of Shiites to their deaths.

-In your movies people get tortured; in my prisons people get tortured.

-The Jews are trying to ruin us.

I have some advice for you Mel. Shave the the beard. They don't flatter us. It looks like you've spent all night out with the camels. (Don't we both know what that's like?) Also, cut down on the sauce. I might have been drunk with power, I'll admit that, but you were just drunk.

I hope rehab isn't too hard for you. It's like prison, except that you probably won't get killed when you get released. If I learned anything hiding away in a spider hole for six months, it's that your career is the most important thing. You'll always have the tribe, your family (unless they're savagely gunned down by Special Forces) but your career can be snatched away in a heartbeat. I miss being President, and I'd hate to see you in the same place, pretending to study the Koran just to make you popular again.

For your next movie you should adapt one of my novels. I'll bet you didn't know I wrote novels. Mostly they're erotica, but there's this one about an Arab leader who's the reincarnation of the Prophet and who's going to unite all the Arab countries and overthrow the yoke of tyranny from the west. I'm thinking musical! Yeah I have a band here in prison. Our drummer says that Debbie Gibson is your cousin. Is that true? Send a poster.

Mel, it'd be great if you could come to Iraq. I'm in a little bit of a jam here, and maybe you could do that lethal weapon thing where you spring me out of jail, blow up some buildings then drive the infidels out of the country. One more time: shave the beard!

Your BFF,

Saddam.

 

 

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