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Filed Under Business
A Review of the New CAFE Standards
Posted February 24, 2007
1 comment posted. Read it now.
The government is proud to introduce the new CAFE (Corporate Average Fuel Economy) standards. With the generous donation of unpaid consulting time from US auto makers, we have been able to streamline CAFE, so that it is just as easy to follow as our tax codes. It should be noted that other CAFE standards – comfort of sofas, quality of espresso, bathroom cleaning intervals, and apathy of baristas – are addressed separately.
The examples in this document cover most vehicles, but if you would like more information about your auto, feel free to file a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit.
The Batmobile – all superhero vehicles are required to get at least 35 mpg, unless they are defending American security, in which case they may apply for a variance. And if any of you heroes out there know where to find Wonder Woman, we'd like to talk to her about the Invisible Jet. The Stealth Bomber hasn't been working all that well for us, and the Defense Department has some questions.
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The Mini, along with all other efficient, smarmy European autos, will be targeted with a 70 mpg standard, except in the cases in which it is used for product placement in action movies. All new hybrid vehicles will now be issued with fur coats, to balance environmental impact, and to mitigate their drivers' smug sense of self righteousness.
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Herbie -
We assumed that Herbie was finished several years ago. The DEA had been following him, since the 'Love Bug' was running Ecstasy from the Mexican border, but then he shows up in a new Disney movie with the delightful Lindsay Lohan. We hope that high gas prices do not put a premature end to the Love Bug's new NASCAR career. Exempt.
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The PopeMobile - we have been advised by the religious wing of the party to exempt this vehicle from any fuel economy standards.
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The Hummer – this vehicle is exempt. To make the Hummer fuel efficient would drive the price so high that only the Pentagon could afford them.
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Minivans - considerable exemptions occur for comic bumper stickers, such as "Ass, Gas, or Grass - nobody gets a free ride", or "If this van's a rockin', don't bother knockin'." Vans owned by the A-Team are fully exempt.
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M1A1 tank – this vehicle is exempt. Because you never know when you need one to secure an oil field, in a far off war torn country, which inevitably causes an increase in gas prices, which need to be stabilized in order to provide cheap fuel for our M1A1 tanks.
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copyright 2004-2024 G. Xavier Robillard
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