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Filed Under Politics

Pakistan and India Drop Claims on Kashmir

Posted November 16, 2005

After a long, thorough listen to the 1975 Led Zeppelin hit Kashmir, nuclear enemies India and Pakistan agree that the eight and a half minute song isn't really worth all the trouble it caused. The two countries have withdrawn their armies, and returned ownership of the multi-platinum record to Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, its co-writers and lawful guardians.

"While we appreciate the haunting strings, driving rhythm, and whatever sort of phaser effect is on the drums, it just isn't Zeppelin's best song," concludes Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. "After Puff Daddy and Jimmy Page did that remake, I didn't even want to touch it."

General Pervez Musharraf agrees. "As a youngster, I worshipped Jimmy Page for his guitar playing prowess. But in truth, the guitar solo in Kashmir is actually overrated. I might put it in the top, say, 1000 Led Zeppelin songs. In truth, it is no rocker like Tangerine."

Singh eyes him quizzically, and this reporter wonders if the Indian Prime Minister doubts Musharraf's knowledge of one of the best selling rock bands in history.

When asked if there were any other song from the Led Zeppelin catalog that could rally the nations to the brink of nuclear catastrophe, the two leaders smile. "Listening to Led Zeppelin is as likely to send me to war as watching reruns of Hogan's Heroes," says Pakistan's president. "Not anymore," agrees Singh. "These days, when I want to 'get the Led out', as we say, I listen to Coldplay."

To this remark, General Musharraf laughs so hard he nearly choked on his tea.

In addition to the unilateral ceasefire, India and Pakistan have authored a joint resolution condemning Physical Graffiti, the Led Zeppelin album responsible for Kashmir. "The two nuclear powers of South Asia agree that Physical Graffiti is overlong, puerile, and serves only to remind us of the greatness achieved in the first four untitled Zeppelin albums. We can't get past the second track," the statement reads.

When asked about the other Kashmir, a cold, mountainous border region of the Himalayas, prone to earthquakes and insurgencies, both replied: "No, we don't really want that either."

 

 

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