Filed Under Technology
Ford's New Zero Emissions SUV Powered by Union Labor
Posted February 3, 2006
After cutting 30,000 jobs in a bold move to appease shareholders, Ford Motor company has announced the new luxury Excelsior SUV, the first car in its class to be powered by unemployed union labor. Borrowing its frame from sleek Winnabago technology, the twenty-foot-tall Excelsior approximates the mass of a gray whale. In its engine you'll find a galley where workers run on treadmills and generate power.
"The company has been under pressure to innovate," said engineering director Chris Kelvin. "We think we've heard the desires of the American people. Instead of a small, stylish car that gets better gas mileage, we have achieved the latest technology to run over small, fuel-efficient cars."
This is an automobile that says, “I will kill you”, conveying status for the affluent and those shackled in debt. Whether you're a mid-level manager or a junior executive, eager to impress, you'll love the smooth ride and ego boost provided by twenty-four recently fired autoworkers. As a bonus for the kids, each car comes equipped with trading cards for each member of the crew, detailing statistics of their final salary, credit card debt and spiraling health care and mortgage costs.
"It just feels good to be doing something," said one Excelsior worker who enjoyed a snack from his nosebag. "And I'm relieved that I didn't have to get any job training."
The Autoworkers Union stipulated that for every former worker enslaved to power the new SUV, another former worker would sit next to them, doing nothing. The extra passengers add to the gross vehicular weight, but the Excelsior still goes zero to sixty in one smoke break.
To reach out to our global partners, the Excelsior will be made in murder-friendly Bogata, Colombia, a city a region in need of economic development where the company will have much better negotiating power with the union.
Can such a luxury vehicle be clean-burning? True, each ex-employee is likely to exhale trace amounts of carbon dioxide, but as an offset Ford promises to plant a tree per employee. (First year only. Some restrictions may reply.)
Environmentalists will be happy to know that this is the first Ford auto to attain Congress' impractical CAFE standards – each Excelsior comes equipped with a Starbucks.
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard