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Filed Under Business

Halitosis: A Class Action Suit

Posted March 13, 2006

1 comment posted. Read it now.

Do you or anyone else you know suffer from bad breath? Have you lost out on dates because of your stinking maw, and wished you remembered to brush? Has trench mouth deprived you of promotions, new jobs or good times? If so, you may suffer from chronic halitosis.

The law firm of Ainsworth, Russell & Halsey is here to help. You could join in the class action against the purveyors of gutter mouth, the barons of bad breath, the foul, immoral people we like to call Big Stink.

The Garlic Lobby. The Onion Cartel. You never hear about them in the news. They've perpetrated a fraud so complex that it's corrupted every facet of our civil society. Even your dentist is a part of it. Why else would they make you drink that disgusting mouth wash and never give you enough water to rinse with?

Halitosis has never been linked to CANCER, but it is closely related in the buccal region to gingivitis, which has been linked to HEART DISEASE. Wouldn't you like to be financially compensated for a HIGH RISK you may certainly never face?

Because of the large number of defendants, which include Big Sugar, Big Chip, Big Sardine, and the place you ate lunch today, we can guarantee you a spot in the swelling ranks of noisome plaintiffs. Schedule a screening test with our certified breath technicians who could smell impurity on the breath of angels, and you'll be well on your way to the financial renumeration that your disgusting orifice so desperately deserves.

It's possible that you have a form of 'walking halitosis', a mild case that could cause injury later on. Do you ever feel compelled to brush your teeth after you wake up in the morning? This is a common symptom felt by those suffering mild halitosis.

Discounts from anyone whose ever been part of a successful class action for asbestosis or silicosis. Additional discounts for any class members who own pets with bad breath.

All you have to do is sign this short form, written in unbelievably complicated legal language that guarantees the firm of Ainsworth, Russell & Halsey a trivial eighty percent of your reward, and you should expect checks to mitigate your pernicious piehole within the year.

Halitosis: there is no cure for this less than crippling ailment, but if you act today, you may receive compensation for mouth rot that was entirely preventable.

Please fill out the accompanying form, and a short essay responding to the question “How I stink”, and we'll be able to process your claim in just a few days.

 

 

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