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Filed Under Technology

Nokia Cellular Phone Instructions

Posted March 21, 2005

Congratulations on your cell phone purchase. Enjoy three hundred minutes per month, on weekends and evenings, plus 900 FREE MINUTES if you happen to be calling Batavia, New York.

    There are certain times you should not use your phone.
  • While driving
  • While drunk
  • While being Paris Hilton
  • While using public transportation
  • While in the restroom
  • While at that dinner party your attention-starved pathetic friends invited you to. Can't they see you're busy? Why did they make you schlep to their place for dinner? Couldn't they have called if they wanted to talk to you so badly?
  • While in Finland.

Of course, you never know who's calling. Or why? Maybe you should pick up. It could be important. In fact, it's your life, dammit, and why should you follow other people's rules about cell phone use? Everyone else is doing it.

Thank you for reading our helpful information. The following paragraph describes some technical specifications; you may skip this.

Fools, they never read the tech specs. The mobile phone, as it has been developed, has two critical uses (embedded video games are a plus).

  1. Instant communication with anyone, anywhere in the world, provided that you don't mind sounding like you're underwater. We at Nokia realize this lofty goal will take some time, as I often cannot get reception in my own home to call my neighbor - granted I do live in a steel-reinforced bunker. It amazes us at Nokia that such a poor technology - one with weak reception, and frequent outages, as dependable as Iraqi oil flow - has been so well received by at least 12% of the world. It is as if ham radios had become popular again.
  2. The growing cell phone user base will become fodder for our zombie army. The Finnish people have long been disparaged by the rest of the world. Yes, we chose the wrong side during World War II, and we do not make attractive furniture as well as some of our neighbors. But oh yes, we make cellular phones.

Every time one is used, a microscopic "bug" enters the brain of the user through the ear. The bug can only enter when the cell phone user is talking, rather than listening, which seems to have worked out nicely. Once the user base has been exposed to enough "bugging", say after three hundred minutes of airtime, their brain becomes infected, and they transform into a modified zombie that:

a) retains some level of cognition, and
b) does not require feasting on the brains of the living.

Why does Finland need a zombie army?

  1. Our military enlistment rates have flattened.
  2. Several other nations have developed zombie-inducing technologies (TiVo). We cannot fall behind in the zombie arms race (that's funny - I'd love to watch a zombie arms race).

Certain activated zombies (AZ's) have already begun to do our bidding, with mixed results. Paris Hilton is a notable example. Time and again we have feared that she has blown her cover (among other things). But she remains above suspicion. When her phone was recently hacked, we were in peril of discovery, but the perpetrators who enjoyed her voicemail thought that the Finnish messages she received from the command center was the drunken babbling of Lindsay Lohan.

Once our zombie army is prepared, we will take the following measures:

  1. Move someplace warmer. Colonies will include California, Southern France, and Florida.
  2. Conquer the world, and reestablish the glory of the Finnish Empire.
  3. Educate our new slaves on the history of the prior glorious Finnish Empire.
  4. Establish Finnish as the International Language (it sounds surprisingly similar to a garbled cell phone conversation).
  5. Go skiing.



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