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Filed Under Politics

Oregon Invites National Guard to California Border

Posted May 30, 2006

They pass through undetected, across border stations on I-5, from towns with Mexican names like El Sobrante, Los Gatos or San Francisco. Some seek new jobs, less oppressive government, and climates without smog. Many are the migrant winos, who search for the perfect pinot noir.

Even now, thousands of Californians pour across the border, and nothing has been done to arrest the traffic. As the crisis reaches its pinnacle, so does the solution: the governor of Oregon has invited the National Guard to secure his state's southern border.

"They cross the border with impunity," says the governor of the state whose motto is 'Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out'. "Some don't realize that they've crossed a border at all."

Does Oregon's governor believe this to be an appropriate use of the National Guard? "Nothing comes to mind. We also have the west coast's largest Sitka spruce that needs guarding."

"Californians contribute nothing to our state," said a local businessman, "aside from purchasing condos, opening restaurants and shopping for pricey art.They're a drain on the economy."

Locals worry that Californian culture might supplant the homegrown varietal. "At first nobody noticed them, coming up to Klamath. But now we've got a Shakespeare festival. In southern Oregon? It's more popular than the livestock auction, and that's wrong."

No where is this felt more than Portland. In a city that used to attract youth for its shitty weather and high unemployment rates, bars that served 1 dollar PBR pints are being transformed to fifty dollar pedicure salons. "It's hard to find a good piercing parlor here," said a local, dumbfounded by the sea of peroxide blonds walking small, argumentative dogs.

The two heads of state, Governors Kulongoski and Schwarzenegger, have spoke about the immigration problem, but cannot come to any solution. Most Western states Montana, Utah, Idaho, Wyoming and Arizona have already banned Californians from entering. "There are too many people already in California," said Schwarzenegger. "As our population increases, we are forced to churn out more and more crappy Hollywood movies to stimulate our economy."



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