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Democratic Strategy For Victory, 2008

Posted November 10, 2004

After much hand wringing, the Democratic Party has developed an effective strategy to win in 2008. It has been leaked to me.

Increased voter registration - make certain that every Baldwin brother registers to vote.

Move headquarters of Democratic Party to Hooters.

Fire current DNC staff - use saved monies to develop a better Barbeque sauce.

Support Alan Keyes' bid for the presidency.

Support Big business loophole for healthcare - corporations are no longer required to provide insurance for workers who do not believe in evolution.

Prove that Republicans plan to use Department of Homeland Security to deport all landscape workers and cleaning ladies.

Introduce populist ballot measures:

  • Tax credit for porn rentals.
  • Mandatory health coverage for obesity surgery
  • Celebrity political gag order.

Use direct mail campaign to convince Evangelicals that Jesus loved lattes.

Split the conservative base by suggesting that stem cell research may find a cure for homosexuality.

Election day voter intimidation:

  • Hip-hop moguls will cruise suburban neighborhoods, exercising their Second Amendment rights.
  • Polling places for heavily Republican districts will be placed in soup kitchens.

If all else fails, unleash hidden alliance with United Nations and stage coup d'état.

 

 

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