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Congress Declares New Ultra-Mega Court

Posted April 2, 2005

Infuriated by the federal legal system's all out refusal to do their bidding, the US Congress has instituted a new high court, which will be the new arbiter of justice in the land, replacing the Supreme Court. The new institution will be known as the Ultra-Mega Court.

The Ultra-Mega Court, whose chambers will be deep within the Rocky Mountains, will contain one Justice. At this point, this judge's name has not been listed, and confirmation is not required by the Senate. Sources indicate that the justice's name will not be revealed, but has been given the codename "Iron Hand".

Conservatives deny that the Terri Schaivo case has led them to this drastic measure. "It's clear now that the US Supreme Court is out of step with reality," said a prominent cleric. "Itís clear that all Americans will benefit from one man judicial rule."

Civil liberties watchdogs claim that this new secret court may be unconstitutional, but Congressional Republicans have treated this claim with scorn. "If it is unconstitutional, we will fight that out in the courts Ė and take it all the way up to the Ultra-Mega Court, if need be. And we think we know how Iron Hand will decide."

Iron Hand was not successfully reached for this interview, but in an email statement, claimed, "I will operate as an originalist, strictly enforcing the literal Constitution, as long as it is aligned with the goals of the Administration. There will be no ridiculous right to privacy, and female suffrage will certainly be curtailed."

The majority of the Supreme Court is stunned by the announcement, and most admitted to spending the weekend rewriting their resumes. Clarence Thomas, known for his lack of interest in writing opinions, said, "this is a tough job. Iím relieved somebody else will be doing the hard work."

Justice Scalia, who admits to hunting with the new Ultra-Mega Justice, had only this to say: "I hope that Iron Handís legal opinions will mimic the laser precision and focus with which he destroys small animals."

"No longer will we be hamstrung by activist judges," said Senator Bill Frist. "As a doctor I can promise that we'll get better results from a robot," he continued. When asked to clarify, or confirm that Iron Hand is actually a robot, Frist said, "I must have misspoke."



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