Understanding Today's Pirates

What To Call The Iraq Civil War

Five Instruments Not Invited Back to Rock and Roll



Links


Find me on Twitter


Find me on Facebook

Filed Under Life

Rules For Preschool

Posted November 14, 2006

Welcome to the Dusseldorf School, a premier pre-kindergarten institution focused on creational play and institutional fun to sharpen young minds. This brief instructional packet will cover the items you and your child should learn about the Dusseldorf Method before the ring of the opening gong.

Dress Code
We are pleased to announce a recent co-branding venture with Banana Republic, who will provide Dusseldorf uniforms. Your child is not required to wear the uniform, but we have however noticed a direct correlation between uniform usage and enrollment in the nation's elite kindergarten facilities. Feel free to talk to our haberdasher or guidance counselor if you have any questions. For students not using the uniforms, we ask that you follow the simple rules in terms of appropriate dress: no animals should be depicted on any clothing to deter any fear issues from viewing such animals; pastels breed procrastination; the color black may only be worn as berets. Any toddlers in violation of the dress code will be redressed in a burlap sack.

Commercial Culture
Though it is difficult to keep your child separate from material culture, we ask that all lunch boxes, pencil cases, jackets, have common cartoon semblances (Barney, Elmo,etc) inked out. The school will make the exception for caricatures of Hegel, Engels, Kant, and the occasional appearance of a Spinoza.

Knitting
Bucking tradition, the Dusseldorf Method teaches students to master knitting and pearling before they are potty trained. Such fine motor skill development will help the children later on, when they decide to move on into embroidery or quilting. Items knit by your child will be made available for sale at the Dusseldorf Gift Shoppe.

Previous Educational Experience
We have found that toddlers who have been exposed to Montessori or other educational systems will have a difficult time embracing the Dusseldorf method. For those students we offer a mandatory six week deprogramming session at one of our cold water huts in the Swiss Alps.

Painting
Learning to paint is a critical part of the Dusseldorf Method. Your child will receive a single color for each year they are in school, so that they may fully explore the color potential at each period of life. Our youngest toddlers will start with gray, and then once they have achieved mastery, they may move on to brown.
Artistic ability can take place at several paces, and since the Dusseldorf Method requires that all brain development occur equally, our more gifted students will use lead-based paints.

Plastic Items
The Dusseldorf Schools have been well known to eschew plastics in favor of other organic polymers. Students should refrain from bringing plastic Tippy cups from home, and substitute them with polystyrene, or perhaps the a sawed-off half (lower,please) of a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The Pencil
Every child will be issued one pencil at the beginning of the school year. To establish a better bond, we recommend that the child name their pencil, particularly with an alliterative name. Alliteration helps build creative synapses. Suggested names are Prescott Pencil, Priscilla Pencil, and for those international students, Pierre or Pelonius Pencil. Hispanic names such as Pedro should be avoided.

The Dusseldorf School sources our handcrafted pencils from sustainably harvested Malaysian teak. Should your child break the pencil, accidentally, although at the Dusseldorf School we do not believe in accidents, or on purpose, your family will be charged for repair expenses incurred by board-certified Master Pencillers.
Irreparable pencils will not be replaced, but since older and more careful children have managed to maintain several years of pencils, we have a thriving black market of school supplies.

In Case of Emergency
If there is an accident, the child will be first evaluated with a psychological screening to make sure they aren't faking it. Once the validity of the injury is established, the student will be treated by our master bloodletter and herbalist.

 

 

Comment On This Story Comments are moderated to prevent spam.
Your Name (required)

Your Email (required, not published)

Your Site (optional)

permalink this story



RSS Feed


(add your email to the mailing list)

Stuff You Buy.

G is for Gangsta (comedy album)

 

Captain Freedom (novel)

Buy it at Amazon, Powell's or your favorite Indie.

     
Politics | Toys | Tech | Life | Business | Publications | Bio | Links | Home