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Understanding Today's Pirates

Posted May 5, 2008

Global news sources have recently reported on the increased activity of pirates on the Indian Ocean, operating with impunity on the coast off Somalia. All Day Coffee would like to clear up misconceptions about these modern day buccaneers. We hope this article will help you survive should you encounter these highwaymen of the sea.

Do modern Pirates wear makeup and dress like Keith Richards?
Modern pirates do not wear makeup. They are often former fishermen who have taken up arms to exact revenge on foreign fishing fleets who have poached their livelihood. Their attire is much more like that of Johnny Depp not in Pirates of the Caribbean, but the Johnny Depp of 21 Jump Street.

What weapons do modern pirates use?
Pirates traditionally relied on muskets, swords, and cannons. Modern pirates use RPG (rocket-propelled grenade launchers), which are exactly like cannons, if you imagine a cannon that you could hold on your shoulder, and that could create explosive shrapnel. Cannons are much better remembrances of pirate battles than RPG's, since they are too heavy to steal.

Do modern pirates have parrots on their shoulders?
Modern pirates have no room on their shoulders, since that is where they wear their grenade launchers. Modern pirates depend on their parrots to operate their onboard GPS units, since parrots have an exceptional understanding of geography and technology. While off-duty, the parrots keep to themselves in tiny, luxurious bunks.

Do modern pirates have funny pirate names like Captain Hook?
Pirates today mostly are of Somali origin, so their names are often of African origin, such as Abdi Haji Gobdon and Aden Hashi Ayro. These names are translated into English as Little Billy Barnacle and Captain Bluebeard.

Will a movie be made about Somali pirates?
The typical process for Disney movies is as follows:

  1. Disney creates an amusement park ride
  2. Amusement park ride is wildly popular
  3. Amusement park ride sells toys, tee-shirts and spawns a breakfast cereal
  4. Screenwriters write an inspirational rough draft about the heartbreaking story behind the breakfast cereal based on the amusement park ride.
  5. Pile of money delivered to Johnny Depp assures a smash hit movie.

Disney's exceptional roller coaster, Pirates of the Somali Coast, was slated to be released at Disney Addis Ababa this year. The ability to create a script will be assessed once the ride's popularity is established.

What should you do if you encounter modern pirates?
Offer them a part in the new Disney movie on modern day pirates.



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