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Filed Under Technology

Oil Drilling OK Under Suburban Malls

Posted April 4, 2005

Life has change abruptly for Long Islanders since the discovery of oil fields under the Walt Whitman Mall. After little debate, Congress passed the Make America Go Act, giving the go ahead for large-scale exploration underneath the schools, roads, soccer fields and shopping malls of Long Island, hoping for a windfall of new petroleum.

In an unusual act of eminent domain, the entire island has been parceled out to several oil companies, who have received drilling rights for free, in order to offset the cost of infrastructure. "It's not as easy as drilling in the ocean," commented a BP spokesman. "We've got to drill through houses, some of which are really massive, and we'll need special drills to get through all that Corian."

Small but vocal citizen groups across Long Island banded together to oppose the Congressional action, complaining that drilling will disrupt suburban life. "You like driving, don't you?" citizens were asked at a dramatic town hall showdown. The coalition quickly fell apart.

Most inhabitants welcome the discovery. "I don't like the idea of oil pipelines running through my swimming pool. Or that living near a refinery may decrease my property values," said one citizen, washing his car. "But in seven years, I may save 25 cents on each gallon of gas."

"Sure, we'll have to shut down most highways, and the water supply will likely be contaminated for years to come, but we feel that this is a national security issue. Our critics complain that it's all about the oil," commented a press officer from the Department of Energy. "It's about oil security. That's different."

Alaskan Caribou, with a long history of displacement due to exploration, express sympathy to the suburbanites whose ecosystem will be permanently altered. "So many species in the Long Island area will be harassed by the oil exploration - the Mall Rat, the Big-Haired Fox, the Soccer Mom - their habitat may be irrevocably destroyed. These species may have to abandon the suburbs all together. Did you know that some of them migrate every day to New York City and back? These strange, majestic species deserve any environmental protection coming to them."

Environmental groups express their sympathies, but have no plans to get involved to aid the beleaguered population. "There are no recreational opportunities there, no wilderness, not even any hunting. The suburbs don't photograph well," commented the president of Save Our Wild Lampreys. "Can you imagine a photo of Long Island on our annual report? It's kind of ugly."

A few emotional protesters held a vigil as the Walt Whitman Mall was flattened, and replaced by giant rigs. "We can always build new malls," said one tearful witness, who fondly recalled a recent trip to Spencerís to purchase edible underwear, "but if we run out of oil, thatís forever."

Not a single celebrity has pledged their support for the suburban dwellers.



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