MPAA Movie Ratings Generator

What To Call The Iraq Civil War

Baristas Claim Obama's Coffee Not Black Enough



Links


Find me on Twitter


Find me on Facebook

Filed Under

Male Aphrodisiacs

Posted August 25, 2006

2 comments posted. Read them now.

Ladies, forget everything you think you know about men. Aphrodisiacs are real, and you don't have to shell out eight grand for some black rhino horn powder. Do you want to know what makes a guy purr, what puts him in the mood? Follow this guide and you'll have 10 surefire ways to rev his engine.

Chocolate
You might have thought it was a girl thing. Men love it too, and it turns them on especially when they watch porn movies of lesbians licking it off one another.

Beer
His favorite malted beverage lets a man dream the impossible dream: that he can score with that really hot chick who's talking to her friends up at the bar, and instead lets him do the unthinkable: boink the ugly girl who looks better and better after each pint.

Steak
Any slab of red meat, cooked medium rare, whether it's lamb or beef or buffalo, will make a man want to have sex just to prove that vegetarians are wrong when they claim that red meat makes you impotent.

Pornography
You might assume that men get turned on by porn, but you'd be wrong. Then why does your boyfriend have so much on his hard drive? What stimulates guys about porn isn't the bad lighting and raw, sweaty sex. It's the acting. All straight men secretly want to be actors, and watching pornography appeals to this deep-seated desire. Men are always impressed by the high caliber actress who can recite her lines even with a mouth full of dick.

Coffee
Most men associate coffee with the morning, which they associate with morning sex, which makes them horny.

Dirty Talk
These are some of his favorite expressions: 'Can you show me how to change the oil?'; 'Curt Schilling's gone 7 and 3 this season'; 'Want to play Grand Theft Auto?'; 'Instead of Ikea why don't we go to your place and do it?'

Buddy Comedies
A few hours of Will Farrell, Bill Murray, Jack Black, and Vince Vaughn each and every Saturday night should do the trick.

Nudity (yours)
Most studies show that men like to see their girlfriend naked. I'm surprised you haven't thought of this. If you are feeling insecure, invite your hot best friend over and ask her to join in the naked fun.

Nagging
This is never a turn on. Stop doing it. If you even think about nagging, and show off any of the telltale signs (sigh, furrowed brow, comparison with Sheila's boyfriend) your boyfriend will know you're about to nag him and he will never, ever marry you, and even worse, he'll tell all your friends that you're a nag and then your chances will be just about over. As a rule, if you think you need to nag him, take your clothes off: he'll find this much sexier.

Breaking Up
As soon as you dump him he'll definitely want to have sex with you.

 

 

Comment On This Story Comments are moderated to prevent spam.
Your Name (required)

Your Email (required, not published)

Your Site (optional)

permalink this story



RSS Feed


(add your email to the mailing list)

Stuff You Buy.

G is for Gangsta (comedy album)

 

Captain Freedom (novel)

Buy it at Amazon, Powell's or your favorite Indie.

     
Politics | Toys | Tech | Life | Business | Publications | Bio | Links | Home