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Lindsay Lohan's Doctor Removes Appendix, Stomach

Posted January 8, 2007

Hot young Hollywood star Lindsay Lohan, who has been diagnosed with appendicitis, will undergo surgery to have her appendix removed. In a unique two-for-one sale the surgeons will remove her stomach as well. "Since they'll already be down there, I figured it was time to get rid of my tummy once and for all," said Lohan, who looked forward to a future in which she didn't have to worry about drinking on an empty stomach.

Ms. Lohan describes a unique set of plaguing circumstances. "Yeah, like when I eat, my belly totally swells. And then a few hours later, usually around when I'm feeling hungry, there's this intense pain. And when I skip eating altogether it makes me faint." Additional lower quadrant duodenal pain led her doctors to discover an infected appendix, and after alerting her to the condition, she convinced them it was time for stomach removal as well.

"I would never conduct such an operation unless the health of the patient or my Malibu mortgage were at risk," said surgeon of the stars Dr. Rick Youngblood.

A spokesperson from PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Actresses, condemned the procedure, saying we shouldn't test new surgical treatments on dumb, defenseless starlets. "There must be easier, safer ways to keep them thin."

Other young stars are equally perturbed. "She'll be able to fit into a size negative infinity dress," said Natalie Portman, who confronted her own physician and demanded to know how much of the twenty-three feet of her intestines could be extracted.

The PETA complaint has been dismissed by Lohan's doctors, who have explained that her single stomach will be replaced by four ruminant chambers, much like that of a cow. A very nubile cow. "As long as the right bacteria colonize the new digestive chamber, the patient has an excellent chance to survive. Provided she has access to plenty of grass."



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