Filed Under Technology
My Stroller Is Better Than Yours
Posted January 15, 2007
Hello down there. Yes, you in that umbrella stroller. Isn't it nice to visit the zoo? Oh wait, what? You can't see the monkeys? You might have noticed that my stroller is a little higher off the ground. Okay, you're right. It's a lot higher. I can see anything that my twelve-year-old brother can see, plus I am right near my parents' faces, where I can validate what a fine job they're doing with a barrage of coos and giggles.
My parents have bought me the new Xplory infant transportation solution, which doubles as a high chair. You might point out that feature to your parents, since one never knows when eating is desired. Oh, I'm sorry, perhaps I have broached a delicate subject. One look at that umbrella stroller and I wonder if your parents can afford to feed you?
The device is fully adjustable, and allows me a higher vantage point than the traditional pram. A higher altitude means thinner air, which stimulates red blood cell growth. The air might be chillier, since I'm not insulated by the car emissions down at your level, but mother and father keep me warm in a lovely Patagonia fleece bunting.
You really should try the Xplory, a steal at $1200 (fully accessorized). We keep one at the summer house – I'm sure it could be made available for you, if your sires were able and willing to leave a security deposit.
Yeah, it must be nice up there. You can see a lot from that stroller. You can see more when your dad picks you up, which your parents don't have to do. That stroller is your prison. That thing must weigh what, sixty, seventy pounds? Every time your folks lift it and put it into the car, they get closer to a slipped disk. I don't expect you to know what that means, but I'll spell it out for you: when you're forty, they won't be able to pick you up anymore.
I know why you're crying. You have a heavy stroller and your parents have to drive a minivan. A minivan. You going to drive that to the prom? That's lame. Your parents can't parallel park, and are spending your college tuition on gas money. The umbrella stroller fits to the side of my dad's motorcycle.
Let me understand something. The stroller is raised up higher to prevent you from exposure to tailpipe emissions? Kid, if you're parents have you hitting the tailpipe already, well, I got some lead paint chips if you're hungry.
Oh, it's a luxury stroller? You spend all day and night crapping in your pants. What more luxury could you possibly need? Your parents' profligate spending do nothing for your self esteem later on. And you know why I know words like 'profligate'? Because I don't spend all day sitting up high looking at monkeys. Down here I'm free of the parental yoke. It gives me time to reflect.
Look at you up there. Nice spit-up. Stinks just as much on a $1200 stroller as it does on a $35 stroller. I guarantee you will buy drugs from me in high school.
To Chloe Bryson, welcome to the world --gxr
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard