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Five Deadly Household Items (that will kill you sooner or later)

Posted March 11, 2007

Cellphones
Later:
Cellular radiation can cause rudeness, cancer, and a little-known form of zombie-ism. Few people take zombification seriously, since it takes years to fully infect the host, and for some may never occur. Can you hear me, or are you undead?
Sooner:
But cellphones pose an imminent yet unpublicized threat: cellphones in the bathroom. What could be safer? You're at home, there's nothing to hurt you. Wrong. Last year, seven million people were killed when they slipped on their cellphone in the shower(source: Weekly World News). Science has proven that cellphone use decreases coordination, and it is more dangerous to talk on your cellphone in the shower than it is to toast some waffles in a bathtub full of water. Until Congress passes a law to ban cellphone shower use, we risk our very lives on every shower.

Not Eating Enough Fish
Nutritionists tell us that we should be eating more fish, presumably, perhaps, to prevent us from sticking dangerous or inedible substances in our mouths, such as chalk. (Fish sticks look and taste like chalk, and many people are fooled into eating fish when they planned on nibbling on chalk.)
Sooner:
If a deranged commercial fisherman catches wind that you aren't eating enough fish, he will harpoon you (how harpoons can kill is out of the scope of this article).
Later:
Over time, if you continue your chalk-eating ways, your body will calcify completely, and you will end up looking like Cardiff Man.

Nalgene Water Bottles
You thought it was a convenient way to quench your thirst. You'd be better off drinking gasoline from a lead canteen.
Sooner:
If you do not drink very carefully, your Nalgene water bottle will form a permanent seal to your lips and you will never be able to eat or drink again.
Later:
The Nalgene compound, which was originally developed as a form of body armor to fight the Soviets in man-to-man combat, gases off a toxic substance. If you drink the equivalent of fifty gallons of water a day from your Nalgene bottle, you will have ingested enough of the toxic substance to experience a slight headache.

Laptops
Sooner:
Certain models of laptop (PC, Mac) have certain components (screen, touchpad, hard drive, fan, keyboard, battery, casing, plug, logo) that become hot if the machine is used too frequently. This may cause an acute case of you blowing up.
Later:
Long term laptop use causes outbreaks of bad posture, which is fatal in 98% of all cases. Ernest Hemingway, who used the Typewritertm brand of laptop, developed such poor posture that he fatally shot himself while hunting boar in Idaho.

Eating Too Much Fish
Sooner:
Very rarely, sushi-quality tuna will spawn within your stomach, giving rise to new tuna, which will devour you from the inside out and use your body as a vessel. Tuna-men are easily spotted because they shy away from mayonnaise.
Later:
Certain large fish such as tuna and killer whales have been known to exist on a mercury-based diet. They operate deep-sea mercury mines to locate this delicacy, and have been known to attack ships transporting mercury thermometers. The mercury itself poses no threat, but you do not want to find yourself a captive of these buccaneers.

 

 

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