Filed Under Politics
Leading Democratic Candidates As Liberal As Jesus
Posted March 26, 2007
The American Family Force, a conservative think tank and militia, released rankings of the most liberal members of Congress, and found that former Senator John Edwards and Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have lifetime voting records almost as liberal as Jesus Christ, a populist historical leader known as the 'Prince of Peace' and Son Of God.
Conservative radio personalities were delighted by the report. "This highly accurate and scientific poll proves what we believed all along," said Bilious Builtbig, the well-known radio pundit. "These politicians are so close to Christ they're way out of the mainstream."
Builtbig's comments were echoed by the RNC, who issued the following statement: Jesus will never get elected in America.
Democratic consultants had mixed feelings about the scoring. "We don't think the liberal label is fair," said political coach Sheldon Bagelhouse. "In our view Jesus is more of a progressive than a liberal. We'd like to be connected to such a popular figure, but we aren't sure how to turn it to our advantage."
Each of the presidential frontrunners had differing responses on the news. John Edwards had this to say: "I'm the son of a mill worker, and Jesus' daddy was a poor carpenter, so I can see how people would make the connection. Plus, he had beautiful hair."
Senator Clinton reiterated her original position on the Son Of God: "my positions have evolved over the years, and that ground has been covered again and again. I refuse to apologize for that."
Barack Obama assured supporters that neither he nor Jesus has any sort of voting record, so any such comparisons are meaningless.
Polls suggest that if Jesus were running for president, he'd do well on the coasts, but fair poorly in the heartland and Bible Belt, where voters are leery of his programs such as universal healthcare, poverty eradication, global peace, and the socially liberal water-to-wine program.
Some critics of the polls suggested that it was unlikely that the most liberal members of Congress also happened to be running for president, but American Family Force stands by their numbers. "We believe in the scientific method, especially in our polling," said chief statistician and Reverand Nash Graham Cash.
copyright 2004-2017 G. Xavier Robillard