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Tour The New White House Press Room

Posted July 16, 2007

Do I cut the red or the blue? I can't remember

Welcome. We're happy to unveil the newly refurbished White House Press Room, which should be much better than your temporary quarters, the dumpster behind the Hooters in Bethesda, MD. All journalists with press passes are invited on this tour, as long as nothing you see here is reported.

We apologize that the reconstruction of a single White House room has taken 11 months. There were many other disaster recoveries to deal with such as New Orleans and Baghdad. And we had trouble sourcing an environmentally-friendly lighting system that didn't look like the Smithsonian's Pink Floyd laser light show.

The new room is named after James Brady, who, like the White House Press Corps, was recently ignored when he spearheaded the Iraq Study Group. The area underneath the room, which used to be a swimming pool, now quarters high-voltage AV equipment. Since the swimming pool has not yet been drained we recommend that you take care in plugging in microphones in this area. Also watch out for Dengue Fever mosquitoes.

As you may have noticed, the prior Press Room lacked air conditioning, which is a travesty for you liberal media babies who expect us to spoonfeed you important quotes and change your whiskey-soaked diapers. Air conditioning is provided for most of you (see below). The room rotates using gyroscopes so spin can be provided at any angle on any subject.

Each seat includes phone, power and Internet service, so the White House press corps can study up on the latest blogs that they source when they file their stories.

Certain features have brought the Press Room into the 21st century, including:

  • A special section (first 35 rows) for Fox News, Cartoon Network, and Animal Planet
  • Updated smoke machines are carbon-free
  • Air conditioning for those reporters with reasonable questions.
  • Asbestos from the old Press Room was bundled into a shiny package and offered as a memento for all reporters working the beat.



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