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Nader Spoils Iraqi Elections

Posted February 17, 2005

It's official after all votes have been tallied, it appears that consumer advocate and perpetual Presidential candidate Ralph Nader spoiled the recent Iraqi elections, to the dismay of the eight million voters who risked their lives for a now soiled democratic election. Religious Shiites, whose United Iraq Alliance coalition was expecting to win a controlling stake in the new national assembly, were shocked to discover that Ralph Nader's Green Party had siphoned enough votes to rob them of a majority of seats. "We have to settle for a plurality, and compromise," lamented one newly elected official. "There is no way we will get to implement Sharia into the permanent Constitution. It is a travesty. Democracy is useless." The Greens carried 7% of the vote, far better than they have ever fared in American elections.

Several factors contributed to Nader's surprising showing. Many illiterate Iraqis relied on graphic icons that would represent their preference, and the green color of Nader's party is also a symbol of Islam, and the Prophet's favorite color. In addition, Green Party literature included a design of the nargile, or water pipe, that thousands of Iraqi university students confused as a bong.

Nader's platform, seductive to a select few, was to jettison the influence of corporate American influence from Iraqi politics. The Greens also promised to improve air quality, once things stop blowing up.

Islamist groups expressed deep dismay with the Green Party's success. "I really believed he would drop out at the last minute," said the disappointed Moktada al-Sadr, a firebrand cleric and erstwhile rebel. "Now he must die."

Neighboring Iran aired its disappointment with the democratic process, as it has provided major funding for the Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution(SCARY), a member of the United Iraq Alliance. "We may not understand democracy, but we have been lobbying for years, and we're expecting results. Foreigners such as Nader have no right to meddle in these elections."

The US occupying forces find themselves in rare agreement with Terhan. "We thought that elections might end the insurgency, and we could pull stakes and go home. But with Nader involved, we're going to have to provide clean water, and make sure kids are wearing seat belts. It looks like we'll have to settle for Plan B." A senior Pentagon official confirmed that Plan B was: scrap the democracy, install a strongman who's loyal to the United States and provide him with death squads.

The official election breakdown is as follows:
United Iraqi Alliance: 47%
Kurdish Coalition: 20%
Insurrection Party: 15%
Greens: 7%
Jihad Party: 4%
Looting Party: 2%
Baathists who pretend to hate Saddam: 2%
Baathists who want things the way they were: 2%
Halliburton Party: 1%

 

 

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